▶ Your Answer :
In this world, people tend to spend time on
watching movies when they have leisure time. This is because they believe that
movies tell a lot of country(주장이 이해가 안갑니다). However, I disagree with the idea for several
following reasons.
To begin with, movies just give some
pleasure. To be specific, people go to see movie for fun not for information.
If the people who just had watched a movie were asked to tell about the background's
history or cultural chracteristics, they would merely answer. For example, I watched the one of several
series of "Harry Potter" at home last weekend. I was really happy with
the movie during running time. However, after finished the movie I simply
remembered about (문장의 흐름을 망칩니다. 굳이 필요하진 않습니다) nothing but the magic which they did with a stick and the
Hogwarts.
On top of that, there are plenty of
alternatives to obtain data of some countries. I think reading books(내가 이렇게 생각한다는 이야기니 주어 꼭 뺴지말고 작성해주세요) is more effective way to
people have significant knowledge of countries.(문장의 구조가 맞지 않습니다. 이럴 경우 뜻이 잘 전달되지 않으니 두 문장으로 나눠서 작성하는 것도 좋은 방법입니다) A research conducted by Korea
Institution of Culture demonstrated whether people get historical information
from movies. The eighty percent of respondents of university students chose
reading books option(무슨 주제였고 뭐랑 reading books 둘 중에 책 option을 뽑은건지 다시 clear한 설명필요합니다). Watching movies got only ten percent of choice.
To sum up, watching movies provides so many
enjoyable scenes but all of them are only for fun. In addition, there are another
materials to take place to get knowledge. In this regard, people should enjoy
movies just for fun.
우선 문장 자체에 쓸모없는 어구들이 많이 들어가는 편입니다. which나 about같은 어구들은 문장에서 꼭 필요한 부분이 아니면 쓰지 않는 것이 문장을 더 깔끔하게 만들어주니 주의해서 작성해주세요. 주장이 이해가지 않는 부분이 꽤 있습니다. tell a lot of countries가 무슨 뜻인가요? 이렇게 주장부터 이해가 가지 않으니 이에 대한 supporting detail은 이해하기가 더 힘듭니다. |