▶ Your Answer :
The debate on whether parents should spend
their time with children playing games or doing schoolwork is a keen issue.
Naturally, people growing from different background have different perspectives
towards it.(음 약간은 논지를 벗어난 문장 같습니다) In my opinion, I believe that parents need to focus on doing
schoolwork with their kids. My view can be greatly substantiated by the reasons
addressed below.
The first reason that can be seen by every
person is that most young students have difficulty in coping with their
schoolwork so that parents need to help them to easily deal with studying
school subjects. We can see that many young people tend to put off their
schoolwork and instead they just want to play games or sports either by
themselves or with their friends. Consequently, they have no commitment of
concentrating their homework or research required by school(정확하게 뭘 전달하려고 하는 건지 이해가 잘 안갑니다. 그리고 이전에 했던 말 반복입니다) . Parents can aid
them to focus on schoolwork by giving guides on the schoolwork and assisting
their homework. For example, when I was a middle school student, I always think
of playing games and hanging out with my friends. I frequently postponed the
schoolwork, which made a vicious cycle so that I can’t follow up the most
school subjects. However, my mother persuaded me to study harder, and she
shared her time with me by helping me to understand some difficult concepts.
The outcome was amazing. I got good scores in the following exam, so I could
have self-confidence regarding studying school subjects.
Another equally important reason is that
when parents spend their time doing schoolwork with children, the children are more
likely to have an academic achievement than when the children just get tutoring
from other people. These days, many young kids get helps from extracurricular
tutoring when they study and prepare school exams. The crucial thing is that the
children’s academic performances are highly affected by whether parents share their
time with children focusing on schoolwork. A study conducted by Seoul National
University illustrates this. The researchers observed two groups of children to
see what affects their school performance. In the first group, children studied
by themselves or with tutors. In the second group, children studied with their
parents’ help. The amazing result was that the second group of children showed
higher ability to focus on what they study, which resulted in higher academic achievement.
Looking at all the statements above, we can
say parents should spend their time with children doing schoolwork or study.
Admittedly, it is true that playing sports or games is important both for
parents and kids, with all the factors contemplated, the advantages of sharing
their time by doing schoolwork outweigh those of its counterpart.
괜찮은 에세이입니다. 하지만 종종 뜻이 반복되는 문장들이 많이 보이는 편입니다 앞에서 계속 그 말을 했으면 그 문장을 다시 paraphrase는 하지 않아도 됩니다. 두문장에 한번씩 뜻 똑같은 문장이 나온 것 같아 문장의 의미가 잘 전달되지 않는 것 같아 아쉽습니다 어휘는 잘 쓰시는 편입니다. 하지만 약간은 limited되어 있다는 느낌이 들어 에세이가 약간은 지루해지는 경향이 있습니다. 주의해서 다양하게 작성해주세요 |