▶ Your Answer : Society generally holds the two ideas that commercial institution such as movie theater is beneficial to local economy or it is not good for society. In my opinion, I think that movie theater is good for my neighborhood for the following two subsequent reasons. First of all, building a movie theater helps people to relieve stress. To be specific, being built movie theater allows people to watch great movies, which makes them better manage stress, maintain health, and build a quality life When people watch movie, they can manage stress and maintain health and build a better quality of life. stress is the main cause of disease and dissatisfying life (개연성이 없이 갑자기 이 문장이 나타난 거 같습니다). Therefore, people in today’s society should actively find ways to reduce stress and stay healthy. For example, when I was attending a university, I usually relieved my stress by watching movie in adjacent movie theater from university. Watching some movies made me comfortable and happy. This helped me to forget about the stressful aspects of my daily life such as studying for final exam and writing papers. Through this experience I realized that cultural and aesthetic institution like movie theater is very beneficial for good life. Second, building a movie theater is beneficial for my neighborhood because movie theater brings about economic benefits movie theater can bring about economic benefit. To be specific. making a movie theater creates opportunity to activate local economy, which as a result allows people to foster economic growth. It is undeniable in modern society that artistic institution is an important source to fuel the economy. For instance, according to a study one by the Korean Times, it revealed that commercial institution having an cultural aspect is helpful to local economy. The study indicates that after the making commercial area the economic growth of certain local town was 30 percent higher than before it. This is because commercial Commercial (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) market’s artistic and cultural factors, such as movie theater gathered many people and activated local economy. In conclusion, I firmly believe that building a movie theater is helpful to my neighborhood. It is my belief that my argument regarding this issue has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
점수 :24 각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락같은 경우는 갑자기 뜬금없이 개연성은 중점을 두지 않는 문장들이 나타났습니다. 좀 더 에세이를 서술할 때 개연성을 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |