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Some people think that young people can be easily affected by their mates then any other identities. However, in my opinion, It seems that teenagers are not involved in their friends. This is because there are many influential model that have an impact on young people and they are more susceptible to medias. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, parents and teachers are the person who can have an impact on teenager are greatest influential people. Pubescent people goes go (people는 복수 주어입니다) to school and learn from the teacher. After school, they hang out with their family most of the time. That means, it has more chance to interact with parents or teachers rather than friends. For example, there was a poll conducted by the Korean Board of Education with 300 high school students as respondents. The purpose of this survey was to know the person who is the role model of them. An overwhelming 65% had responded that their role model is their parents and 20% had claimed that teacher is the most influential person they have. This is because parents Parents (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현입니다) and teachers not only get along with teenagers but also teach and gives lessons to them. This proves that there are many persons who can affect teenagers more than friends
On top of that, Young people are exposed to a wide range of mass medias young people are not old enough to distinct good and bad. This news and programs gives These news and programs give many information and cultural trend to teenager. Moreover, the time that they keep in touch with medias become extended. To explain this, I will illustrate my cousin's experience as an example. When my cousin was 13-year-old, he liked to watch TV and search internet frequently. He wanted to follow the entertainer who was in television and he used words that is from the internet. I was embarrassed when i talked with him because his conversation patterns were not familiar with me. This shows how mass media have an large impact on children.
In a nutshell, There are many things that affect teenager except for their friends. Parents, teachers, medias are all influencial to young people's behavior and mind. In this regard, I firmly believe that teenagers are affected by many things
점수; 23
일단 대문자는 항상 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다. 일단 이 에세이를 읽으면서 느끼는 것은 각 단락의 예시가 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 항상 예시를 선정할 때 주제에 초점을 두면서 예시를 선정하시길 바랍니다. 또한 철자적 오류들이 많습니다. 이러한 오류들을 피하기 위해서는 항상 에세이를 서술하고 난 후에 꼭 정검을 하시길 바랍니다. 정검을 하게 되면 어디서 잘 못이 됬는지 알 수 있기 때문에 꼭 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.