▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that being able to work by
themselves is valuable talent as some people work at their house working alone is better. However, in
my opinion, I think being able to work with the other people is more critical
than it was before for the following two subsequent reasons working with other people has become more critical in comparison to the past for the following two subsequent reasons. .
To
begin with, many employers require their employee to be as much sociable person
as possible these days. The major reason is that a lot of jobs consist of many intertwined
functions which demand a group to be organic structure. It is better for people
to be easily fit in to others to be selected better than their competitors. For
example, in the IT company, there are over ten sections including marketing,
manufacturing, research, or so and research. Each section has huge number of people. Employees
in the company are often required to communicate each other continuously to
raise their competency at maximum level. If at least one part of their functions
lack lacks (one part는 단수 주어 입니다) information, it will harm overall profit extremely.
On
top of that, As the Internet has been developed, world has become smaller than
the past world has become smaller. Therefore, it is inevitable for people to meet a number of people,
even in cyberspace. For instance, my uncle is working alone at his house for
stock marketing. In the past, it was ordinary way to get market information
from newspaper or TV. However, things start to be happened suddenly and changed be changed
quickly, pushing my uncle to inflexible position. He realized that he has to
join a group for those who are working by itself. As a result, my uncle still
works at home by himself but his main duty is to communicate and share the
information with the others over the Internet.
To
sum up, many people is required are required (people는 복수 주어 입니다) to be suitable to the group that has a lot of
people and demands much of communication and the Internet makes everyone talk
to others. In this regard, I believe capability of working with others is more
crucial that in the past.
점수: 22 일단 두 번째 단락이 주제를 벗어났습니다. 이러한 부분은 전혀 주제와 맞지 않습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 사람들이랑 같이 일을 하는 것이 과거에 비해서 더 중요해졌는지에 대한 에세이이기 때문에 주제가 확실이 벗어났습니다. 또한 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|