▶ Your Answer :
Teeming
with progressive societal advancement, it is true that people are making
friends in various ways. (Awkward grammar structure) However, there is an intensive divisive issue as to
whether the best way for students to make new friends is whether joining a
sports team, participating in community activities or traveling. Some might
support that participating in community activities or traveling is better for
making friends than joining a sports team. One must not be so short-sided and must
consider the other side of the coin. With intensive consideration, numerous
rationalities will be stated in order to support the claim. The most
prominent reason is that when traveling (Traveling to where? "While traveling" more makes sense) they could be less considerate to each
other. While traveling, unexpected things happen which make travelers tired, and thus
making them less considerate. (Hard to understand this point) My aunt's trip experience might serve as a great example. My aunt went to travel with an unfamiliar friend about a month. (Why did she take unfamiliar one?) They went to Taiwan in May. Taiwan
is truly hot all the time but May is the peak. For the couple of days, as
they are not close, they acted as they are considerate. However, they started
to fight as their lifestyles are completely different. My aunt wanted to do
things promptly while her unfamiliar friend preferred to be slow. They started
to fight and they were not able to continue the trip. She told that it was
terrible because of the weather and her friend.
Another
rationale which should be mentioned is that by practicing, (practicing what?) they will spend a
lot of time together and encourage each other which can make them be great
friends. While practicing and during match, people will always be together and encourage
each other when one does some mistakes. It is inevitable to be close friends. (Awkward)My
brother might serve as a good example to support the claim. My For instance, my brother is in a
university. (Mention "attending (name) university") He is a freshman new in college and that region, he was concerned about making
friends in the new place. As my mother recommended him to take part in the of a sports club, especially
the basketball, he joined the basketball club. At first, everything was new to
him but his friends helped him and encouraged him a lot. When he missed the
ball, his friends told him it is OK and he will do a great job next time. He
also encouraged others when they had done some mistakes. By encouraging each other
and spending a lot of time together, he could easily be a friend of them.
Founded
on the abovementioned reasoning, it seems undeniable that the best way for
making new friends is to join a sports team. Two rationalities are compelling
enough to support the claim; much of the time being spent together and encouraging
each other, being not considerate during travel.Thus, nothing in my mind regarding this
issue overweighs the idea stated above.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2
| 2 | 1 | Score | Limited 10-17 | - hook 문장은 어법적으로 어색한 문장입니다. teeming with~ 으로 어느 것이 ~으로 풍부한지, (ex) society, people, street 을 명시해주셔야 합니다. it is~로 가는 것은 어색한 문장입니다.
- 여행 중에 unexpected situation이란 무엇인가요? - 친하지 않는 친구와 여행을 간다는 점이 다소 지어낸듯한 느낌이 강하여 내용을 coworker와의 business trip 또는, 친하지 않은 group들과의 field trip같은 무엇인가 친하지 않은 이와갈 수 밖에 없는 상황을 연출해주셔야 할 것으로 보입니다. - 또한 내용은 양쪽의 찬반의 입장을 가리는 것이 아닌 하나의 주장을 펼치는 것입니다. 따라서 상기내용은 off topic일 여지가 높습니다.
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