▶ Your Answer :
Share of parents have said that studying hard in school is
the most vital task in order to get a great job. Actually, some students
vehemently believe parents' remark so that they give their life sheerly to get
a good grade. In these days, however, I think that the ability to relate well
to people is more important than studying hard in school following for two
subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, In these days, the outlook of success is
changed. In the past, the graduation in the top-tier university was the dominant
element in order to pass the promising behemoth. However, today, majority of
enterprise prefer the job seekers who have ability to relate well to those who
studied hard in school. (공부 잘 하는 applicants를 원한다는 뜻인가요? unclear합니다) For example, the main conglomerates started to
introduce 'blind-test'. According to
this rule, recruiters cannot see job seeker's academic performances and their universities any more,
in particular, the university from which job seeker's graduated. Instead,
recruiters evaluated the applicants' ability about relation, such as sending
them to isolated island weeklong, extemporaneously giving them to the
unprecedented project and so on.
Second, communication between
enterprise is unavoidable condition for the success. Nowadays, It is next to
impossible(what do you mean by that?) for an individual or interior of group member to attain the goal or
to prosper. Above all, if a firm concentrates on the trade, communication between
foreign company could make or break the firm. On account of the importance of it, dozens of trading companies are
willing to invest such field. For example, even though the expenditure of
business seat is much more expensive than those of the economy seat, most
trading company support executes to take the business seat. Many experts,
however, say that it is quite reasonable decision for the trading company to
invest such cost; long flight and narrow seat interval would make them ruin the
meeting which takes company's future. (무슨 뜻으로 paragraph를 쓰신건지 이해가 잘 안 갑니다)
To sum up, I think that the ability to relate well to people is more
important than studying hard in school because the outlook of successful figure
different in comparison to the past and communication between enterprise is unavoidable
condition for the success.
전체적으로 문장들이 low quality입니다.. 이전과 다음 문장들과 연결되지 않는 문장들도 많이 보이며, 또 무슨 어휘를 써야 문장에 잘 맞는지 잘 모르시고 작성하는 듯 하여 아쉽습니다 제 생각에는 에세이 연습보다는 문장/paragraph쓰기 연습을 하면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. |