Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? |
First of all, independence have effect on society. Young adults begin personal life in society. Most of young adults work for a company. Nowadays, almost companys require self-help to employ for some people. Actually, samsung, one of famous company ->companies in korea, announced their employing criteria that(X) is independence. For example, when my brother applied to samsung, he focused on his independence. ->불필요.. As a result, he was employed SamSung. For this(?) reason, I support standing apart from parents.
On top of that, living with parents until people are adult disturb parents's life. It increases to compose of elder's culture.-> 문장 어색해요 ㅠ_ㅠ So, many company have been developed a cultural enterprise for old people. Even though parents feel happiness when they live with their son or daughther. However,->문장 맨 앞에 even though를 썼기때문에 의미상 불필요한 ㅍ현이겠죠? parents do not have their life for a longtime. one documentary "people theater", one of famous documentary in korea, telecasted elder's life. They said that we->they searched our->their hobby when our->their daughther leave.
For these reasons, I think that it is better for young adults to want independence from their parents as soon as possible. -> want independence? 어색해요 As a result, young adults have energy on society. -> society 에 have energy ..? society 에 put energy or give energy or.. energize the society 이런 식으로 ^^ Also, Their parents enjoy various cultures.-> 뜬금없어요ㅠ_ㅠ Moreover(Furthermore) it is also good for their parents tin that they can enjoy various cultures. |
*many 뒤에 복수 쓰는 것
*주어와 동사 수 일치 시키는 것
이런.. 자잘한 문법 틀리시면 안되겠죠? ㅠ_ㅠ
essay 느낌이요
약간 음 뭐랄까.. 이런 말 하다가 갑자기 저런 말 튀어나오고..? 뜬금없다고 해야할까?
그런 느낌이 있어요
표현도 약간 미숙하고.
다양한 좋은 표현들을 외우는 게 어떨까요? 그거 도움되는데~!
접속어를 다양하게 쓰셔서 좀 더 부드럽게 연결시키면 좋을 것 같아요
아 길이는 조금 더 길게.. 아시죠?
^*^