▶ Your Answer :
It has been argued that colleges and universities must do a better job in preparing students for future workplace. Some people believe that people could learn various kinds of practical knowledge in school; however, others disagree with it. Although each has advantages and disadvantages. I personally agree with the above first statement for two reasons. <두 가지의 주장이 다 위에 있죠?(disagree한다는 부분까지 포함해서) 그러니까 above를 쓰지 마시고, first를 써서 첫 번째 주장을 뜻한다고 표현하시면 됩니다 ^^> First, colleges and universities offer useful information to about various fields by through online learning. Second, students can save extra money.
Most of all, one of the my friends has made a great success thanks to the online learning of university. He get got into college, and studied fashion through online. At first, he took diverse online courses about fashion and sighed signed up for to some related cyber communities. It was much very cheap and convenient compared to other private institutes. Besides, he was able to build more knowledge by sharing information with other Internet users. He became more and more creative from diverse/different online learning and plenty of unique ideas. 보다는 different가 더 알맞습니다. 그리고 똑 같은 단어를 계속 쓰시지 마시고, 유의어들을 많이 활용해주세요> After well-rounded online learning, he opened/started a fashion business on the Internet with a little cost. His fashion items were completely different from others, because his ideas were based on conventional education. On his site, most of the products were almost sold out. He could not have succeeded greatly, if he had not had cheap online learning of from the university.
Furthermore, if school teaches practical knowledge as well as academic learning to students, they do not need to spend a lot of extra money. Actually, many students took many courses like Toefl TOEFL, Toeic TOEIC <여러가지 단어를 줄인 말이기 때문에, 다 대문자로 표시해주셔야 합니다> and English conversation and so on, during their vacation by going to academic center or private lessons. According to the recent survey, more than sixty percent of students in Korea go to academic center/academies to improve their English skill. Also, most university students enroll in diverse courses to get a good job after graduation from their university. Therefore, schools should have the sense of responsibility for teaching their students.
In conclusion, I agree that colleges and universities must do a better job in preparing students for future workplace for the reasons that I have mentioned above. Students will not only be able to solve many different issues on the online learning, but and they also do not have to use spend extra money.
제가 첫 번째 단에 밑줄 친 부분 있죠? 그 부분 때문에 전체적인 에세이의 아이디어가 이상해지는 것 같아요. 어떤 사람들을 학교에서 많은 것을 배울 수 있다고 주장하고 어떤 사람들은 그렇지 않다 라고 써있는데, 이 에세이의 메인 주제는 학교가 더 잘 해야 한다 가 아닌가요? Intro부분에서는 에세이가 말하고자 아는 아이디어를 전달해야 하는데, 제가 밑줄 친 부분 때문에 헷갈리는 것 같아요. 그리고 주제랑 그 것에 대해 쓰신 두 가지 이유랑 서로 맞지 않는 것 같네요. 한번 체크해보세요. 수고하세요 ^^ |