일하는데 시간을 소비하는게 좋냐? 가족과 함께 보내는 것이 좋냐? |
Some people say that spending extra time on working is better than being with their family(->families). They insist토플이라 괜찮을수도 있는데요 이건 우기다 에 가까워요 주장하다보단. that earning money will make their family cheerful(-->enhance their families' happiness). Yet, in my opinion, it is much more worthwhile to spend time with family than doing a job. In this way, people can relieve the stress they've suffered from the company and be familiarized with family members more closely. 굉장히 좋은 인트로네요 공부 열심히 하신듯.
To begin with, spending some extra time with family would allow people to be relieved. (릴렉스를 쓸수도 있겠죠) As they do a lot of work (----> they work a lot during the daytime) in daytime, they feel exhausted, it is(---> . It its) necessary for them to talk with somebody who will encourage them and refill their spirits. I believe that the most suitable members to do so is a family.(---> are family members.) They do their best to help eachother solve any problems people are complained of, thus they remove their stresses. (umm kinda weird. but i won't say anything cuz i am not certain about what I think right now)
For example, when my dad comes back to home and complains all the bad stuff he experienced during the daytime,
stuff is VERY unprofessional it's a slang. ----> complains all the bad situations he faced or ----> tells about troublesome time he had that day.
my mom as well as(unsuitable fanciness-->and) I would try to solve his problem so that he can refresh himself and carry out his job properly next time.
Moreover, spending time with your family would make you feel more affectionate of each other. you 쓰지마세요 몇몇 강사님들이 괜찮다더라 하는 분들계시는데 토플준비 유학같은거 가려는 거잖아요 you is very unprofessional way to state a general subject.
It is indispensable to take part in family meetings or being with them frequently to get to konw each other in more profound way. Especially, if there is a son or a daughter who is aged between 14~18(숫자의 경우 영어로 써주는게 좀더 좋아요 one two three four haha) , it is beneficial for adults to talk or discuss with their child commonly(--->often) so that that teenagers will find their ways in lives with positive attitude toward world. For instance, I am a 17 year old student, and my parents make great efforts to have a dialogue with me so that they realize what I'm worrying for in my life, making me feel comfortable and cherished. ummm ahhhhhhhhhhhhh 님의 의도를 해치고 싶지않다만....
-----> In my family, we very often talk about current issues in our lives. It helps my parents and me understand each other. 간단 명료 해지고 싶었습니다.. 제가 말하는 게 정답은 아니니까.... 아ㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏ
OR ----> In my family, my parents try to have nice conversation which helps them understand my complex thoughts of teenage mind and comforts me in the doting family.
To sum up, I think it is necessary for adults to spend more time with their family. Those who don't (do not) care about their family will usually have their family relations broken down.---> usually have broken family relationship.
Also they have to know that money can not compensate for everything.(꼭 넣지 않아도되는 문장) Therefore, I firmly believe that spending more time with the family is invaluable, in contrast to earning money.
열심히 공부하셨네요 두번째 문단 약간... weak if you put bonding time between family members, that would have been better I guess keep it up!
4점 드립니당.
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