처음써본 에세이입니다. 고수님들 첨삭부탁드립니다... 벌써 세번째 올린글인데...
부탁드려요.ㅡㅜ 제가 학원을 다니지 않아서 첨삭받을때가 없어서요... 부탁드립니다
고수님들
001. The best way for a good future is to plan carefully when you are young. Do you agree or disagree? 학원도 안다니시고 굉장히 열심이시네요 |
There is an argument regarding(let's be simple .that's just werid./--->Somepeople argue :argue is kinda strong world but I think it will be okay for now)) whether the best way for a good future is to plan carefully when people are young. Regarding the issue, some people insist(insist 는 우기다는 의미가 강한..) that children are too young to prepare future. (두번째 문장 이 이렇다면.. 첫번째문단은 굳이 쓰지 않으셔도) However(agree 하면서 However 를 쓴다는건...약간 이상한.그러나 나는 동의해 이상하죠?) I agree with the above statement for the following reasons.(----> I disagree with them으로 하시는게 나을듯. /--> however I disagree with them. The best way for a good future is to plan carefully when we are young)
First, young people can prepare long time for future. Besides, they can start again(이문장 말이 안되용...... moreover, they can always start over whenever they fall down./or---> they have more chances to recover from failure. First,(First 를 두번 쓰시다니... 아무리 다른 문단이라도 confusion을 줍니다. ) even the young people, they can prepare the future, because they have a lot of time for prepare to successfully future.
For the successful life, people need to long(need long time) time for preparing. If people do not expend to enough time for preparing, they may be easy to fail (이문장 very weird. expend is not a right verb to use. my suggestion/ Unless we prepare enough for (prepare에는 언제나 무엇을 위해 준비하느냐가 들어가 있어야 하는데 저는 님의 의미를 하나도 파악못한.. ㅜㅜ 죄송), we may easily fail.
. However, if people spend a lot of time to preparing for future since when they were younger. (이어지지않는 문장과 repetitive)
They can improve probability for successful future life.
(제가 밑줄친부분 다시한번 써보심이 어떨지.)
For example, Soo-mi Joe , a worldwide famous soprano singer,( She hardly(hardly 는 거의 --하지 않다라는 부사)) practiced(---->has practiced) much time for singing since when she was very younger. (Also she studied music./you don't need this sentence) So, she could be successful to be a soprano. As illustrated above, every people(-->person/ every는 단수명사를 취하는 형용사) can prepare early for successful life, even they are young. (동사들이 잘못 택해진거 같습니다. 이문장 전체가 doesn't make sense)
Because of, they have a lot of time. That is why the youngest people can prepare long time for future. (역시 repetitive 그리고 because 가 잘못 쓰인 경우 입니다.) ----> since they have a lot of time, young people can prepare enough for their future)
단어 선택이 안좋은것은 어휘력이 부족 하기때문 집에서 문법책에 있는 동사부분 다시 잘보세요 outline을 효과 적으로 짜보시고 쓰는 연습을 하시는게 어떻까요?? if I tore apart this essay a lot, I am sorry. but I did it for you so... keep it up! (일단 첫문단만 했어요. 다하기엔 조금 그런듯 해서)
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