In this world based on capitialsim, people seem to live by the saying "money talks". People choose jobs according to its income and even friends and fiancés measuring their assets and properties. This phenomenon is because people believe consider wealth same as successful. Against all these perceptions and stereotypes, money does not mean success vice versa success does not being rich.
=> 서론은 간단하게 2~3줄로 쓰는게 적당해요 ^^.
토플 채점자들은 링구아 토플이나 토플 라이팅 예문 처럼 쓴 글보다는 자신의 주장을 뚜렷하게 표현한 글을 좋아해요.
라이팅 예문에서 서론은 주로 자기 주장이 나타나 있지만, 그것을 뱅뱅 돌려서 나타내는 형식으로 쓰여집니다. 그것을 사람들이 따라하기위해 열심히 복잡하게 쓰는데, 그것은 좋지 않는 방법입니다.
심플하게 써도, 예문처럼 화려하게 쓰여지지 않아도, 토플채점자들은 자기 주장만 명확하게 나타나있으면 점수를 잘 줍니다.
Some people ~ while others ~
In my opinion, I strongly belive, I agree with the statement that ~~~~~
There are a few reasons for this.
와 같이 쓰면 좋을 것 같아요 ^^
First of all, volunteers who work for the poor, the weak and the sick ones over the world or in local areas represent the definition of success, mercy and role model. They are able to do what others cannot do easily. Sacrifice devotion to help others and passion to reach peace are the indispensable factors for success. The best example to illustrate this idea is Mother Theresa. She was a preeminent altruist who received Nobel Peace Prize. She dedicated her entire life for the mission to save vulnerable and fragile women and children. Everyone around the world respects her zeal and unconditional love. There is no doubt that she was a successful and wise woman.
->이처럼, MOTHER TERESA는 돈 없이도 successful 하다. 라고 붙여 주시는게 어떨까요?
그냥 이렇게 끝내면 예문을 통해 전달하려는 내용이 무엇인지 알 수가 없어요.
Moreover, there are various occupations that do not guarantee efficient money such as scientists, sociologists, philosophers and anthropologists. They devote their lives in laboratories or out in the fields trying to make the world a better place. To illustrate, Albert Einstein is a worldwide famous scientist. He was also awarded Nobel Prize for the theory of relativity. Due to his achievements and findings, nowadays people can understand about life scientifically. No men have heard criticizing him but tones of people praise and admire his contributions. According to the history of his life, he was not found to be opulent but this does not infer that he was not successful.
->
In conclusion, according to the people who work secretly everyday for their own missions, money does not convey everything about live but, certainly not success. Stop trying so hard to meet the secular demands! -> TOEFL에서는 감탄문, 의문문 은 안 쓰는게 좋아요 ^^
Of course ~ ~하기도 하다.
However, I disagree with the statement that money determines whether a person is successful or not. There are people without money that are successful such as volunteers who work for the weak, and have various occupations that do not guarantee efficient money
안녕하세요 KFLHS 입니다 ^^
많이는 못 봐드렸어요 ㅠㅠ
제가 바쁘기도 하고 해커스에 들어올 시간이 없어서요.
어쨌든, 님은 라이팅 점수가 잘 나올것 같아요.
26~27점 정도는 나올것같아요.
문법도 틀린게 별로 없고, 단어도 높은 수준이여서 잘 하실 것 같아요 ^^.
서론부분 간단하게 쓰면 좋다는 걸 기억하세요.
185주제에 다 끼워넣을 수 있는 서론을 만들어 보시는 것도 좋아요.
제가 위에서 서론 부분을 써드린것 처럼, 새로운 주제로 에세이를 쓸때마다 서론을 새로 쓰는 것 보다, 같은 형태에 내용만 다르게 집어 넣는게 시간도 아끼고 점수도 더 잘 얻을 수 있어요 ^^.
또, 본론을 2개 보다 3개를 쓰면 더 좋을 것 같은데, 좀 아쉽네요.
본론 2개로는 토플에서 부족해요.
3개가 적당하니까, 앞으로는 본론을 3문단으로 쓰세요 ^^.
아주 잘 쓰신것 같아요 . 앞으로도 열심히 하세요 ^^
이상으로 KFLHS였습니다 ^^.
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