Topic : Young people enjoy life more than older people. Do you agree or disagree?
In recent recession of global market, the problem of unemployment among young people has emerged serious problem in Korea society-> as a serious problem in Korean society. This problem makes young people think older people can have more freedom in their life because older people have much amount of money to take a trip freely and aren't stressed out getting a job. But I strongly believe that young people are most liberal generation-> 젊은 사람들은 가장 진보적이다는 결론은 주제에 부합하지 않을뿐 아니라, 결론으로 사용되기보다는 진보적이기 때문에 ~하다라는 원인이나 가정으로 사용되는것이 적합합니다. because they are physically healthier and less have obligation they take care of. -> have less obligations to take care of
To begin with, there is no question that young people are physically healthier than older people. Staying fit means that he has a wide range of choosing option they want to do. Although older people have stable financial condition, they can't do anything pursuing physically demanding activities such as bungee jumping, paragliding, and trekking. For example, my grandfather once went on trip to a variety of foreign place with even no-> without any money. And he went trekking to Himalaya.-> And he even went trekking up the Himalayas. Likewise, He liked to go around and live actively. But, as he was older and older, Now, He misses that time whenever he sees my playing in sport game. He always says that you can do whatever you want to do in young age. -> But as he became older and older, he cannot be as active as he was before. Although he misses the old days, his aged body is an obstacle. Nowadays he only enjoys watching sports. He always tells me that you should do whatever you want when you have that vitality.
Moreover, the number of obligation young people have to care for is much smaller that that of older people. As people age, responsibilities such as financial problem, children's education and promotion in working-> work begin to burden them down. We usually tend to think young people are brave and even reckless. This is because that young people don't have what they care for. From their experience, the value of getting thing-> thing의 사용은 정말 필요할때 아니고는 자제해주세요. thing대신 aspects나 properties 같은 단어를 사용하시던지 떠오르지 않는다면 아예 문장구조를 뒤바꾸는것도 좋습니다. including enjoying, valuable experience, and friendship is much higher that the value of losing. For instance, I went on vacation to Europe for 6 months. I don't have to pay attention anything in my common life.-> I didn't have to care about anything. I freely enjoyed I could make many foreign friends in visiting place.-> I freely enjoyed my time and I could make a lot of foreign friends in the places that I have visited. Conversely, my uncle had wife and two daughters. And He always was tied up with his work. One day, He luckily got a vacation to Europe from his company. He expected that he could get rid of stress from his work. But, during vacation, He continually picked up the calling from company and took care of his children and was worry about expense whenever their wife bought expensive souvenir. He was so envy when I went on trip alone.
To summarize, young people can enjoy their life than older people. Since not only stay they fitter than older people, but also don't have responsibilities that they have to care. Young people should be enjoying their lifetime that is irreparable
- 1. 그래도 확실히 몇 번 쓰니깐 확실히 낫네요.
- 2. 그런데 자꾸 제가 쉬운문장밖에 반드는 능력이 없는거 같아 걱정됩니다.
- 3. 무엇보다도 시간이 모잘리네요... 이것도 45분 걸린건데 ㅠㅠ
-> 잘쓰셨어요. 연습하시다보면 점점 실력이 느실겁니다 :)