*처음부터 바로 본론으로 들어가면 곤란합니다. 우선 도입문장이 중요한 역할을 하는데요, 그게 빠졌네요. 예) Interships and work experience today are highly favored and are becoming recongnized in many businesses. 이렇게 도입문장으로 자연스럽게 들어가주시는것이 더 효과적일것입니다. Some people believe that it is better just to study more rather than having a work experience such as internship. However, from my point of view, I strongly believe that it is better to have a work experience and I also think that university should offer these kinds of program like internship. Internship will give the student a lot of help to get an actual job and also it will give many help students to fit in their office atmosphere. The reasons and examples listed below will strengthen my point of view. (인트로는보통 4줄정도여야 적당하다고보면되구요, 조금긴게걸리네요) *세련된 인트로를 쓰실려면 다른 상대편의 입장을 말해주는것도 좋지만, 너무 길다보면 채점자가 진부적인 말들이 많아보여서 안좋은 평가를줄수있으니 고려해두세요.
First of all, working experience will give many help to students to get an actual job. Once they had experience of work, students now know what is going on their field of business and also know how to do their task and what he or she should do. For example, one of my senior went on an internship to abroad and he worked at in the marketing department. He had experience of making a commercial advertisement and how to advertise to buyers that their products are good and also many kinds of things ('and so on', 'etc', 'and many kinds of things' 쓰시는건 좀 곤란해요. 채점자가 보기엔 조금 성의없게 보이지않을까요? 될수있으시면, 안쓰시거나, 그것이 구체적으로 무엇인지를 적어주세요). Thus, He could learn how to and what to do in marketing business and these experience had gave him really valuable experience which books and theories can’t. Moreover, companies are more and more requiring the work experience for their new employees.
Secondly, when they got 왜 got입니까. 미래형이니 get 이겠죠. an actual job after their graduation, students who had work experience before will fit better in their office atmosphere than those who hadn’t before haven't. Because they know what to do as they are not new in the office (거꾸로쓰셨네요), so they will have no troubles with the people in the office. For example, I had a work experience as an English teacher at children’s English camp and this has helped me to fit in with my colleagues when I was working in another English camp. &마지막으로 Likewise, In this case로 간단하게 마무리 지어주셔야죠. 빠졌네요. *첫번째 Body 랑 너무 비교되네요. 구체적으로 써주세요.
To sum up, work experience like internship will give students a lot of help to get a job and also learn many things which they can’t gain from books. Furthermore, work experience will help student fit well with their peers having no trouble. *똑같은주제 다시 conclusion에 언급하는건 조금 유치합니다. 대신, 이 두가지를 통틀어서 얘기할거리를 써주시는게 좋아요. 그리고 되도록이면 짧게해주세요. 예) To sum up, work experience and internships will help in benefiting the student in the future. Thus, I think it is important and good to offer an internships or type of work experience to students from university. *전체적으로 아이디어랑 예들은 좋은데 조금 더 구체적으로 설명을 해주시면 정말 좋을것같습니다. ^^*
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