It is debatable whether people who make a lot of money are considered successful in their life. some people say money is so a very important part of our life, So it could be measurement to evaluate someone's success. 그냥 it could be measurement 하면 '하나의 잣대가 될 수 있다'인데 맥락상 맞지않아 보입니다. In my opinion, However, I totally disagree with the idea because money can bring side-effects if someone spend money without control and there are many factors that are more important than money such as love, friendship or job to make life more happily.
First, money can touch off many adverse effects to individual life. Of course, moderate amount of money is essential to lives to lives는 목숨에있어서 입니다. to everyday lives 하시던지 to people's lives 등등. in these days. But, (문장의 처음을 But으로 시작하면 다양한 문장구조 활용능력이 떨어짐을 시사합니다.) too much money is harmful to people in that he or she do not know the importance of money and they could not feel happiness in their life. too much money = one doesn't know the importance of money 는 보편적으로 받아들여지지 않으므로 매끄러운 연결이나 설명이 없이는 논리성이 결여되 보입니다. For example, Samsung is the biggest company in korea. Lee Kung Hee, who is the chairman of the company, lost his lovely daughter several years ago. she suicided herself commited suicide. this shows that money is not all to evaluate someone's life. people need to know the value of the money and they should try to desert their too much greedy too much 라는 한계적인 표현의 잦은 사용과함께 명사자리에 greedy라는 형용사를 썼다는 점은 감점이 될 수 있습니다. on the money. money is actually dependent on someone's mind not how much they have. 뜻은 알겠으나 엄밀히 따지면, 돈이 사람의 마음에 따르고, 얼마를 갖고있느냐에 좌우되지 않는다는 말은 논리적으로 맞지 않습니다.
Body1은 잘쓰셨으나 thesis가 돈의 adverse effect인데 그것에 집중하기보다는
돈이 삶의 전부가 아니라는 원론적인 이야기에 집중하는 경향을 보여주고 있습니다.
In addition, there are many factors that can help peoples' happiness in their lives. We can think about love, friendship and satisfaction of our jobs. this is so so도 될수있으면 자제하는게 좋은 표현입니다. 또한 이자리에는 so가아닌 such a 가 맞습니다 :) great part of someone's life. these things are always associated with our lives and also those could not be bought by money. money is just the tool for living not the mental thing (thing의 사용또한 피해야하는데 이역시 다소 informal한 어휘일뿐만 아니라 수식어 사용한계를 드러내주기 때문입니다) . people's quality of life is actually relied on actually relies on many complicated elements not just money. For example, Finland is not as rich country as USA. But, their satisfaction of their lives is higher than that. In this sense, We should think about the real concept of money. 뜻전달이 불명확한 표현
body2도 역시 파고들지 못하고 겉에서 빙빙도는 느낌입니다.
2번째 sentence에서 love, friendship, satisfaction of our jobs를 얘기했으면
전개방식을 그 방향으로 잡아서 각각에 대한 자세한 설명이나 예시를 통하여 이런것들이 삶에서 중요하다는 것을 강조하는 것이 차라리 나은 전개이지 않나 싶습니다.
In conclusion, success cannot be judged by money because money has dangerousness its own and there are diverse tools which raise peoples' happiness of life.
conclusion이 너무 짧네요 :)
4점 맞고싶으시다기에 태클을 좀 걸었는데, 사실 말이많은거지 양은 많지않아요 :)
4점을 오르려면, 머릿속의 한글을 번역하는식이 아닌 뉘앙스가 적절하고 상황에 맞는 어휘력이 필요하고 , 다양한 난이도 어휘의 사용, 복잡한 종류의 문장구성, 확실하고 분명한 뜻의 전달, 그리고 부드럽고 논리적인 전개가 잘되어야 합니다. :)
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