Nowadays, the most of students who want to go to college need to summit their certification of high school's grades, and sogrametimes, it makes students who hope to be college students frustrated. The reason why it could happen to them, is almost all colleges just focuse on the grades from their high school. As i thought, the score is not supposed be boundary for being college students, and there are some reasons (two reasons이죠? 글구 어떤내용인지 간단하게 보여주시고요).
Above all, if someone who has unabandable own dream, needed to go to the college for completing his aim, he should go to the college for this. But if his grades were the problem to go to the college, he could be wrong position in society. (topic 문장이 좀 길고 클리어 하지 않네요) Finally, society have one who is unhappy social memeber. One of my friend really wanted to be college students, however he failed to be this because of high school's grades. Now he is not pleasure to do his job. I have been thinking so far, we never judge students with their grades. (약간 broad한 내용이네요 좀 specific 하게 만들어 보세요)
Secondly, if the student who has great scores, and also he has bad personality, wanted to go to college, could we decide that, he is such a nice student? Practically, he is not a good student in my view. We are not supposed to definite that, which one is good student. In my opinion (이렇게 보여지는 주장은 결론에 넣으시는게 좋을듯..) , every students who have graduated from high school, have to have opprtunity to be college students.
To sum up, there are not kind of lines to judge that who are good students. So we do not have to make decision from anything. They deserve to get chance for getting higher education, and also they should not miss their goal because of bad social system. Life is apparently only one time.
전체적으로 글이 매우 강력한 느낌이 전해지네요 (좋은뜻임..) 그렇지만 채점관 (미국인들) 에게는 organized 되어있어야 persuasive 하거든요. 예를들어.. 본인이 점수가 나쁘지만 대학을 가고 싶어하는 학생과 점수가 좋아서 대학가는 학생을 비교 하고 싶다면.. on the one hand... on the other hand, 형태를 이용해서 비교해 보세요..
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