토픽: Businesses should do anything to make money.
There is a no doubt that businesses and firms can help one society to grow economically. However, we should remember that there is the old saying,'Live and let live'. This indicates that people have to help others in order to success in their life. Of course it is important for businesses to make profit, but they should consider which comes more important; because their immoral acts can later become a hindrance in their business life not only to the society they are belong to but also to their own individual businesses.
'success' should be 'succeed'... Your thesis is too long(We call it a run-on-sentence), which makes it difficult for a reader to get clues of what you would write about. If you are not comfortable with English writing yet, it is always better to keep it simple.
Here is one hypothetical example: if it is financially beneficial to the business, is it inevitable to violate crimes or eradicate immoral acts such as murder or bribery? Can one's conscience justify such an inhumane behaviour by even if it helps him to earn a good money? My answer is no. It is not difficult to see politicians on televisions convicted of bribery, and they are usually related to businesses. As this indicates clearly, overall decline in quality of lives of people in our society is totally messed up under the name of materialism. This is unacceptable under any circumstances.
The main idea doesn't seem to match your thesis. The logic is weak because it doesn't match your example, either. Overall, I don't get what you wanted to say in this paragraph. Also your second sentence is a run-on, and simplifying certain phrases is recommended.(lives of people - people's lives). And phrases like 'messed up' is informal.
Furthermore, businesses and firms need consumers in order to survive from the fierce competition in the market, and a reputation and a good image is a crucial factor in businesses. Advertising is one of the methods to maximize this effect; to attract the customers. After all, consumers would not want to purchase the goods from the firms of a bad reputation. And the damaged reputation cannot be replaced by anything else. Some businesses' selfishness has cause pollution, corruption and disorder in the society, while some conscious businesses are taking noblesse-oblige into action; helping unprivileged and neglected members of the society. The consumers' support is on the latter in the competition.
Your explanation is all over the place!! practice focusing on one!
The difference between your first and second paragraph is this : For the first, I had no difficulty to follow, but the logic and the point wasn't strong enough(bcuz of the example).Whereas your second P had srtong points, but it was difficult to follow. Try to keep it simple!
To sum up, I believe businesses shoud differentiate right and wrong and refrain from immoral behaviour. It is not only beneficial for the society, but it is also a good marketting method for firms and businesses as well. Because, it is an immutable fact; 'One good turn deserves another.'
conclusion is well written. And I like your style of using the idioms.
완벽한 첨삭은 아니지만 댓글은 저의 MOTIVE 입니다^^ 후훗
첨써봐용ㅠ_ㅠ 첨삭좀부탁드립니당;;
몇점정도 나올수있을까요... 제가 진짜 4월까지는 30점 나와야되는데...ㅠㅠ