> > 2010-08-01 23:02:09, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. | |
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These days, televisions has destroyed communication among friends and family. We prefer having communications with friends than watching televisions. I, however, believe watching televisions all day long makes 2 (two) negative effects: People (people) spend (are wasting their own) time watching televisions, (and) children learn (watch) some violent stuff(contents) from televisions. (아이들이 TV에서 violent 한거를 배우기 보다는 그냥 보고 아는거 인거 같아요. Learn 이라고 하면 공부하고 배우는 그런 느낌인거 같아요. 제 개인적인 생각이에요)
To begin with, people spend too much time watching televisions so they can’t have enough conversations among friends and family (To begin with, people spend too much of their time watching TVs and they do not have enough time for conversations with friends 이렇게 쓰셔도 될뜻). When they watch televisions, they always concentrate (and focus) watching televisions. Young students often watch televisions as soon as school finishes. Parents will wonder why they are watching televisions so much and soon they will also be addicted to watching it(,) which makes (a wall between parents and themselves). they cannot have enough dialogues between parents and offsprings.
On top of that, televisions teach young children bad languages. I loved watching American dramas like the Detective Monk and the Simpsons. And I easily found that there remains so many swear vocabularies (words) and (inappropriate) expressions which are really harmful to children’s emotion. Recommending these kind of drama to my sister is not acceptable for me because it would cause my sister swearing in English or think about swearing.
In conclusion, I’d like all of you check how much time do u spend on watching televisions and find out how many bad expressions you can find. Family and friend’s bond will be gone if you keep watching it and all communications you can do are just staring televisions with your family and friends like sillies. | |
태어나서 처음 써보는건데 엉망이네요. 첨삭좀 해주세요~ㅎ
>> 이 토픽은 저도 한번 써봤었는데요, Fahrenheit 451 이라는책이 이 토픽에 관련된 책이거든요, 한번 읽어보셔도 괜찮아요^^
>> Structure 가 조금 이상하다고 해야하나요.. Intro 는 괜찮은데, Body 2개가 약간... 2번재 Body는 Topic Sentence 말하고 나서 바로 Example 로 넘어가잖아요. 넘어가기전에 Linking word 라고 해서 For example 이라던지 이런거 하나 정도 넣어 주시면되요.
>> 좀더 길게 + 다양한 단어 = 고득점