As our societies are getting more complex recently, the way of teaching children has changed. (ways of teaching children are changing / a way of teaching children is changing). In the past, chlidren (children) usually focus (focused) on their studies, (여기서 콤마쓰면 문장 자체가 아닙니다. 이를 a run on sentence 라고 합니다. 그래서 세미콜론 써야합니다. (;) however, nowadays, many parents make their children to (to 삭제, make 사역동사)help with (help 는 타동사) household (a housework/household affairs) at a young age. This is because children can learn about (타동사) responsibility (a responsibility/ responsibilities) and (, and) they would recognize importance of families.
First of all, letting children do chores is one of efficient ways to teach responsibities(responsibilities). In a sense, it is true that children need to concentrate on school works (이 에세이에서 넣으면 혼란옵니다). However, it is also integral to teach them (their children) other than studies.(other than은 이렇게 쓰면 안돼요.) This is because children often do not learn this (a) kind of (a) social skill through books. (자신의 생각과 반대되는 내용)Thus, they have to experience and face (face what?) with in order to gain this skill(skill이 뭔지 언급 안했어요. 무슨스킬?). This eventually leads children to enhance the quality of their education because they would realize that the results will be graded according to their effort. For example, when I was in middle school, I only focused on school works and never do (did) any chores at home. Therefore, I didn't feel any sense of responsibility and (, and) it made me unorganized (이런 단어는 없습니다.그리고 관사 빠졌네요.) person and (, and)(and 문장을 여기서 끊어주셔야 되거나 ;besides, 로 연결해야합니다).I had become so lazy. If I recognize this earier, (earlier) I would be neat person and diligent(, and the household tasks would) which wil help me to study better when I was in school.
Second, making children helps with housetasks (help household tasks) can allow children to feel love of their families. Most of children who do not help their family (families) with housetasks do not know importance of their family and how their family is (their families are) supporting her or him.(them. Most of children을 가르키죠) However, they can learn sense (a sense) of love by helping their parents with any kind of tasks (parents’ tasks) that are happened at home. This also make (makes) them to be closed (close) with each other and appreciated.(to appreciate their parents). The children will be so graded (glad) that their parents are really trying and feel love of them. For instance, my sister and I do (did) not know importance of my family and we always felt annoying whenever my parents made us to do some chore (chores). Once, my sister and I saw that my parents were working outside of home (out of the home or outside home) when it was really scorch (이건 무슨 뜻인지 모르겠음. is it “when they are tired”?) and (, and) they said (that we) don't come and stay home and do others. We recognized that they were worried about us because it was too hot in outside too work(outdoors to work) ,so they do (did) not say anything toward us. We felt really so sorry and appreciated about their love.
2nd body는 전혀 주장과 관계없는 reason이었습니다.
to say : housework is helpful to children?
you said : 부모님이 밖에서 일하는거 힘들다고 일 안시키려는거에 감동했다.
원래 의도는 아이들이 집안일을 어려움을 경험해 봐서 부모님이 how dedicate their lives to their children.을 느낄수 있다라고 하려고 했던거죠? 아주 많이 빗나갔습니다.
To sum up, helping with housetasks (a household task) is essential because it gives lots of invaluable lessons to many children since they know how it is hard and annoying. Once, they recognize that their parents do these kinds of work (works) everyday, then they will feel really appreciate about their parents.
정말 25점 받으셨나요? 음… 그냥 행운을 빕니다.