It is debatable whether spending time without other people. (이 문장을 직역하면 -> '다른사람들 없이 시간을 보내는것과 아닌것은 문제가 될수 있다.' 이렇게 해석이 되는데요 ~people is efficient to relax 등을 추가하셔서 토픽을 정확히 표현해주시는게 좋지 않을까 싶네요.)
some people agree with the idea (the idea가 뭘뜻하는건지 which로 부연설명이 필요할것 같아요) because one can take their time conveniently without other peoples' concerns. In my opinion, however, i disagree with the idea because people can spend their time more intrestingly and constructively with others in that people are social animal and can escape their stresses more fastly.
First( 이건 정확하지않은데 Firstly 보단 First가 더 좋은표현이라고 배웠던 기억이나서... 아니면 정정해주세요~), there are no one who can live just by oneself. people always interact with others by sharing lots of activites. this is natural habit that every people has. this is the reason why people make their friends, getting marriage and make their children.(불필요해보이는 면이 살짝 있네요) To be specific, if people have a hard time or get streesed, he or she have to tell the difficulty to other persons immediately. If someone keep these thing in their mind for a long time, he or she are easily get diverse ailments such as depression or melancholy. According to the survey conducted by KBS, Korea national Broadcast System, they pointed out that someone who spend their free time alone get more depression rather than who spend their leisure time with friends or family memebers. In this sense, we could underestand the importance of others.
In addition, interacting with other people is more effective(목적어가 있어야 할것 같아요 '~를 하는데 더 효과적이다' 이런식으로 ~가 들어가면 논리적인 문장이 될거같네요) than spending time alone, especially when we got stresses. (아니면 interacting with other people is more effective than spending time alone to relase stress. 이렇게 문장을 간소화 하는것도 좋아보이는..데..아닐까요..?ㅠㅠ)
of course, people who want to spend their time to think about their future, job or cases concerend with personal relationship need to take time by their own. because these things are associated with their personal concerns. without those cases, people have to spend their time with others because this would help people lift their feelings more fastly and efficiently. For example, when i have problems, i usually spend time with my friends or family members by shopping or watching movies. these activities help me right away because i could share my difficult problems with others and he or she can give a useful advice.
In conclusion, people need to spend their times with other people. this has more advantages than spending time alone in that people are interactive animal and people can run away from their hard time more effectively and fastly due to someone's help.
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제 생각에 두번째 body는 조금 오프토픽인것 같아요...;; 일단 제가 해석을 제대로 한건지 안한건지 확신이 안서지만, 그래도 example과 그 이전의 주장이 조금 엇갈리는 느낌이 드네요.
그리구 이건 물론 인터넷에 연습용으로 올리신거라 그렇게 하신것 같은데 대문자로 변형이 많이 안되어 있네요;;'I'라든지, 'KBS'의 약자라든지... 등등 조금 미미한 실수이긴 하지만 저런것두 감점요인이 된다구 배웠거든요~
다른사람의 essay를 첨삭해보는게 처음이라 물론 제가 지적하고 고쳐놓은게 절대 다 맞지 않겠지만,
개인적인 소견으로 열심히 했어요 ㅠㅠ
제 첨삭이 도움이 되신다면 좋겠네요 수고하세요~ |