Most students attend colleges or universities for make more money and make easily.Most people like to make a lot of money,however,earning money is not limited.Depands on having money some people happy,some people sad or lose their hope.-> Depends on의 사용이 잘못되지 않았나 싶은데 무슨뜻인지 전체적으로 이해가 안가서 수정을 못하겠네요 :)
Money is the most important for our cost of lives.-> 삶의 cost에 가장 중요한게 돈이다 가 무슨뜻인지 불명확하네요.
But,I firmly disagree with people who earn a lot of money are successful! -> 돈많이 버는 사람들이 성공적이다와 동의하지 않는다가 아닌 돈많이 버는 사람들이 성공적이다라고 하는 주장과 동의하지 않는것이므로 I firmly disagree with the claim that people~~~
First of all,people who have only astronomical of money can hear gossip from media of society.
Although,money offer who has money lives of convenient,beauty,luxury and gorgeous,substantially
it has not relation with emotions such as happy and fun and so on.
I am concerned that steadily support emotion is the most successful in our lives.
For instance,even though my grand-father was the richest in my country he always worried about
his money because of money.He never ever smiled.
-> 문장 전부다 오류가 조금씩 있네요:) 제가 쓴것 보시고 어떻게 써야하는지 대충 감을잡으셨으면 합니다:) First of all, people who posses astromnomical amount of money might hear gossips about them from the media and society. (논리적으로 봤을때 gossip에관한 내용이 하나도 없어서 첫주제문장에 적합하지 않은내용입니다 ) Although money offer them conveniences, beauty and luxury, it does not necessarily offer them the emotion of happiness. (다음문장은 이해가안됨) . For instance, my grandfather, who was one of the richest business owner in my country, always was full of worries because he was constantly pressured with keeping his business running properly. He never had bright smile on his face.
In sum up,Although earning money can make our good lives.
But my grand-father never ever played with me,he always preserve his money.
I never ever thought that he alive successe in his own life.
-> To sum up, earning money can only make our lives well in terms of materials. But (여기서 할아버지얘기가 갑자기 나오는것은 문맥상 좀 부적절하네요. 차라리 앞에 문단끝에 붙이는것이 나아보입니다.)
|