As mentioned in the statement, a valuable product-> 가치있는 상품이라는 의미. can give good effect to improve-> good effect to improve라는 표현은 없습니다. the children. I strongly agree the statement.-> agree with the statement-> 학원형식 에세이의 폐해인지는 모르겠지만, 토플에세이라고 해서 항상 어디에 strongly agree 할필요는 없습니다 :) Generally, people give child a doll, a block set, a soccer ball and so on.-A Book of among a lot of gifts is best thing to develop children. They can develop their creation from a novel.-> Also, they can have habit to get knowledge actively through searching information about their question.
Choices of gifts to a child is unlimited. Among countless optioins, to me a gift of books seems like the best option. Essential and undoubtedly one of the most important traits, creativity can be boosted by reading novels. Also, they might acquire a valuable habit of actively searching through books to answer their own questions.
To begin with, a novel is very great for building the high level of creation. The thesis of novels is very various-> very different from future science and history. The writer depicts characters, background and some events as the-> with just words. The children can image all factors of books.-> all factors of books라는 표현의 의미하시려는 바는 알것 같으나 all factors는 적절한 용어가 아닙니다. This process for imaging is basis of improving their creation ability. For example, the ‘Harry Porter’, which is one of the most famous novels, helps children explore unknown world. -> 목적도 결론도 없는 붕뜬 문장이되어버렸네요.
-> 20점 못넘으시는 이유는 두가지입니다.
천번째로 뜻하고자 하는 바가 제대로 전달이 되지 않는 것 같습니다.(표현상)
또 논리적으로 봤을때 필요 없는 내용이 자주 들어가고 문장들이 서로 연결이되지않습니다.
따라서 통일된 어떤 주제를 향해 가고있다는 느낌보다는, 이얘기하다 저얘기하다 아까그얘기 결론내고 끝. 이런느낌을 받습니다.
In addition, children can get a good activity habit. In modern society, TV and computer are one of general paths to learn something. Learning of using TV makes children too passive, and learning of using computer have a weak point which children can overlook the detail or basic concept of certain facts. In contrary, the reading habit is an active learning habit. Thought reading habit, children can search information from the books, which they want to, by themselves. Besides, the habit is helpful to learn the new different thing in the future. In the university, students should try to collect more information from various materials and apply their study without the fixed guide line. In other words, the active learning habit such as reading is required to university students.
In conclusion, in my opinion, a book is the best significant present to improve child’s ability such as creation and learning skill. Throughout these abilities, children can study better in the future. |