Do you think it's more relaxing and less stressful to spend time alone? Agree or Disagree? |
Everyone has busy life and we all need a break from routine. Almost all of us have a unique way of relieving stress. This is very important because good relaxation helps people perform the upcoming work better whereas bad break leads to poor result. Some people assert that it is better to enjoy free time with someone else but I personally think we should spend free time alone. (본문에 나올 두가지 이유를 간단하게 언급 하고 본문으로 이동하세요)
First of all, the word 'relax' suggests the correct way of spending free time. If we are with someone else to enjoy the free time, we would inevitably chat with each other. Although the speakers say they are relaxing, they are consuming their energy. Talking with each other may be an interesting task but it requires considerable amount of energy because we unconsciously think about what to say before speaking. Also, if a mistake in talking leads to conflict, it will take much more energy out of us and more stress will be imposed instead of being deleted. (이 문단을 마무로 하는 문장에 없네요.. 예를 들어 therefore relax하기 위해 ~ 해야한다.)
(여기 second 또는 finally 나올것 아니었나요?) Therefore we should be alone in order to enjoy genuine relaxation. Maybe watching movies or comedies will not only accumulate new energy needed to perform but also get rid of our stress. From my experience, my friends and I went out to the downtown every weekend. We watched movies and bought music CDs. I thought it helped me get rid of my stress and perform upcoming activities well. However, on every Monday morning, instead of being vigorous to go to school, I was the laziest boy ever. I was spending even more energy on my break time! Therefore, I changed my way of relaxing. Rather than playing around with my friends, I read interesting books and slept enough. Then I was able to have a real break. (이 문단은 앞의 문단과 연결되는 내용이네요.. 아무래도 합치시고 새로운 이유를 보이시는 것이 좋을듯 싶네요.)
To sum up, I suggest that spending free time by oneself is better than spending it with someone else. It is because playing time with others take too much energy and have a risk of getting more stress from conflict. On the other hand, spending break time alone saves energy and relieves stress(본문 요약은 매우 잘하셨네요~!!). We need to enjoy time in which we are out of complicated social relationships. Therefore, I assert that spending time alone is superior to enjoying free time with peers.
전체적으로, 조금만 노력하시면 좋은 점수 받을 듯 싶네요 구체적 예를 드는 것도 잘 하셨구요 결론도 꽤 깔금하네요 ㅎ ..하지만.. 인트로에서 자신이 본문에서 무엇을 예기할 것인지 꼭 간단하게 언급해주시고 각 본문의 topic sentence에는 꼭 그 본문의 내용이 무엇인지 본인의 주장과 연결해서 보여주세요
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