With the help of modern developments, the world is becoming more and more convenient, and a large number of sophisticated people have been living in the world, as every country is getting closer and closer with each other.
문장이 너무 깁니다^^. 한 문장에 너무 많은 내용이 들어가 있으면 뭘 말하려는지 파악하기 힘들어요. 문장 하나에 내용 하나 쓰는 것을 추천합니다.
I believe that we sometimes used to here hear that about those who have having one specific skill in their major field achieving would achieve their desires. I maintain, however, that it is misleading to presume that their proficient skill, but is too small to show their potential to the maximum <- 무슨 말을 하고 싶으신지.., would help them obtain better jobs with higher benefits, rather, many different kinds of skills would add strong credentials to their educational and social backgrounds. Here are good examples to better understand it.
First of all, even if someone have studied in his or her specialty, that does not mean he or she is guaranteed to work at the company that he or she wants to become a member of, which means what he or she have has studied for may be changed. 또 한 번 더 말하지만 문장이 너무 길어서 말하고자 하는 내용을 잘 파악 못하겠어요 ㅠㅠ 저만 그런가요?ㅠㅠ For instance, my brother graduated from Julliard Music School as a playing piano, and became a member of a music business center in Korea. However, his current major is computer at the company,<- 콤마 빼주세요 because they believe that my brother should build his career and good relationships first.
Secondly, especially in this great depression <- great depression은 일반적으로 미국대공황을 말하는 것으로 알고 있습니다. 지금 우리가 겪고 있는 경제상황은 그냥 depression이라고 쓰는 게 더 맞을 것 같아요. they should be proactive and should give much thought to the fact that more than ten people have been fired due to a burden of distribution of saliries <- 오타 : salaries. If someone is thought to be fired within two months, it is a small wonder that he would shift his position, and besides, it is an entirely true that a huge number of people have been suffring from extreme deficits.
이 문단이 결국 뭘 말하려는지 잘 모르겠어요;; ㅠㅠ
Up to the present, the fact that it is much more prudent to have various skills has not been brought to the attention of people. I believe that they would be forced to a shaky position, if they are without diverse abilities to overcome any crisis.
요약해보면,
님이 조금만 더 보완하면 좋겠다라고 생각하는 부분은
1. 문장 하나에 내용 하나 (특히 서론에) 쓰기
2. 수동태보다는 능동태 쓰기
3. 주장과 정확히 연결되는 예를 제시하기
4. 콤마(,) 많이 쓰지 말기 - 숨 가쁩니다...내용 끊깁니다..채점하기 힘들어집니다..
등이 있습니다.
도움.. 되었음 좋겠습니다! ㅠㅠ