에세이라는것은 물론 형식을 지키는 것도 중요하지만 자신만의 에세이를 만드는 것도 중요합니다.
물론 실력이 되면 가능한것이죠. 글쓰신분은 꽤 실력이 되시는듯하니
Intro의 경우 질문, 반대, I believe~ 형식보다 또 다른 서술방법은 없나 생각해보는것도 좋습니다.
예를들어 여기에 These days, advertisements can be seen everywhere~~ blah blah 하면서
General statement 하나정도 넣어주는게 어떨까요 :)
It is often said that advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits. Some think that there is nothing related between advertisement and unhealthy eating habits. However, I believe advertising is the primary cause of harmful eating habits for two reasons.
To begin with, the main purpose of advertisement is to attract people to buy companies' product. In order to accomplish the purpose, food advertisements usually tend to be exaggerated by food companies. For example, burgers which are the most representative sample of fast food look always bigger and delicious in television advertisement. Advertisement of burgers overstates their flavor, size and even nutrition. Like this, sometimes, they are not the same as the advertisement says. However, customers who watch that kind of advertisement generally believe it as it stands. Therefore some of them eat burgers indiscreetly everyday and it is the one of main causes of increasing the obesity rate.
In addition, advertising especially influences on children . Young children do not have an ability to judge whether advertisement is true or not. They are prone to accept advertiser messages as truthful and unbiased. This can lead children to unhealthy eating habits. For instance, there was a research for finding the correlation between children and television advertisement in the States. The experiment was conducted by professors at the University of California at Santa Barbara and they discovered that children in the age of eight are unable to critically understand televised advertisement so they are more likely to be easy targets for commercial persuasion. In this way, now that many children and teenagers are deceived by the food ads , __________________, and it plays a significant role in increasing the rate of obesity.
obesity rate만이 unhealthy eating habit 이 아니므로 계속 obesity rate에만 집중하시는것은 좋지않아 보입니다 :)
In conclusion, food advertising makes people to buy the food without enough consideration. Had not been for television advertisement, the ads that we are talking about is not limited to TV commercials. have had much less number of people who have unhealthy eating habits. Therefore it cannot be deniable that advertising cause unhealthy eating habits.
Conclusion은 전체적인 전개를 싸잡아서 정리하여 독자의 머리에 남게끔요약해주는 것입니다.
TV ad만 없었다면 더 적은 사람들이 unhealthy eating habit이 있었을것이다. 하고
오히려 전개한것을 Degression되게 할 필요는 없습니다 :)
첨삭 부탁드릴게요 ~~ |