Commonsense tells us technology could guarantee the progress of world. Actually, many people could have a convenient life by advanced technology-> Many people can actually enjoy life through advanced technology such as hygiene technology, computer engineering, architecture method and so on. When we only focus on the rosy achievement of technology, however, it is possible that we overlook the weakness of its ineffective-> negative outcomes, especially in context of “military technology” and “using by politic purpose”.-> especially in the context of military usage and politics.
First, in the modern society where have an advanced military engineering skills-> where advanced military engineering is prospering, it is hard to recognize that technology is always helpful to make a better life to human naure. The more military technology advance, the bigger the aftermath of war is. Furthermore history of war tells us that the advanced military technology make the people who take part in the war more cold and brutal by just one button which is able to kill a lot of people by missile. Few would agree that easy to kill the people technologies-> technologies that helps killing people make the world a better place to live. Not only that, in the recently battle fields such as Afghanistan war, lots of African civil war and so on, even though it just a accident in the war, it is easy to witness that unrelated civilian killed-> civilians are killed by an immense attack by cutting edge weapon. At least respect to human being,-> ? we couldn`t convinced that such technology have made human being better.-> technology is not necessarily always helpful and sometimes even seriously harmful for us.
Second, in more comprehensive debate, we could also find an example that technology effects on negative outcomes.-> of technology affecting the outcome negatively. Especially, we could focus on the problem of collective effectiveness in the politic-> political purpose to use technology.-> of its collective use within the politics as a means of achieving or accomplishing its purpose. The scientists who took part in Manhattan Project to invent the origin of atom bomb are to be representative example. In the project, the scientist tried to reveal the nature of nuclear and invent way to control the atom. According to the document, the scientists were very enthusiastic to study its objects in their pure curiosity on the nature with scientist. However, the outcome which-> which was made by pure intellectual motivation of the scientists became a monster could kill a lot of people easily by politic purpose to win the war.-> that was used politically to threaten and kill just to win the war. This case shows technology would be able to become a double-bladed sword by politic selection. That is, a certain technology would be a tools-> tool to make a relax to someone-> make someone comfortable, in the other aspects-> on the other hand, it might be a only destructive weapon by individual and political purpose, even though the technology was made by neutral position or desires to progress on human nature.-> 총체적인 결론과 비슷하므로 뒤로빼시거나 없애는것이 더 나아보입니다.
-> 문단자체의 논거는 좋았으나 내용상 다시 또 paragraph1처럼 military로 돌아가는것이 아쉽습니다. 다른 예시를 사용하여 좀더 politic쪽으로 집중했으면 더 훌륭할것같습니다.
To sum, despite of the advantages of technology, both ‘military technology’ and ‘using by politic purpose’ tells us that technology always leads to make the world a better place to all. Therefore I could not fully agree to be the notion that technology is the perfect key for the progress of the world. Only by ignoring the implication of military technology and politic purpose, one could conclude that the advanced technology guarantee the better human society.
-> 30분안에 쓰실 수 있다면 좋겠지만, 너무 장황해보입니다.
더군다나 토플이기때문에, 그리고 문장작문이 아직 완벽히 되시는것 같지는 않습니다.
장황하게쓰려다 역효과가 다소 날 수 있으니 심플하면서 정확하게 뜻이 전달되는 글을 쓰시는것이 더 좋을 것 같습니다 :) 전개라던지 구성은 비교적 깔끔하게 잘 해나가시는것 같습니다.
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