문제:학생들이 대학에서 선생들을 평가해야한다. 동의하는가 반대하는가?
'All humans are created equal' We all know this. This word says that all people have their own right and opinions. Students can have different idea from their professors in a class as well. Therefore, I firmly believe that students must have their own right to evaluate their teachers.
Obviously, today's education is different from the past in all aspects. In the past, students should not darely express their own perspectives in a class. Today, however, keeping our own perspectives has become one of fundmental educational virtues in school. Therefore universities have to make sure of students' right to express their voices.
There is also other fundamental reason universities have to encourage students to evaluate teachers. Teachers tend to ignore students. It is true. Thus, Universities have to know how effectively or eagerly professors are teaching their students. Through this evaluation, a university can classify the professor's worth in a class and encourage them to take care of their students more. According to my father, a professor in a university, he is usually encouraged from the survey of student.
As a result, evaluating teachers in a university is benefitial for university itself, for students and for teachers. University is a small society. All societies have to keep well-organized communication system. It is because this can make a society more happy and affluent.
222 단어..밖에 안되구요 ㅠㅠㅠ
모의토플이라도 실전과 너무 유사하게 봤는데.. 긴장되고 첨이고 준비도사실 미숙하고 그래서 어려움이 많았습니다.
단어수는 충분치 못하더라도 나름 인트로에서 흥미를 끌려서 시도한게 무리한거같기도 하구요.
주장을 뒷받침하는 내용도 구체적이지 못하다는 생각이 들어요.
다른분들의 눈을통해 보면 더 날카로운 지적이나 도움되는 충고를 얻을수 있을거같아서 이렇게 올리구요.
5점 만점인가요? 6점만점인가요? 이렇게 쓰면 어느정도 받을수 있을지 궁금하네요 ㅠ 기대는 하지 않지만 실망하고싶지도 않아요 흑흑흑..
'All humans are created equal' (이게 아니라 토머스 제퍼슨이 썻던 “all men are equal” 이걸 말하려하셨던게 아닌지요?) We all know this. (빼세요) This word (word가 아니라 quote 나 phrase 이죠) says that all people (every individual 로 바꿔쓰세요) have their own right and opinions.(has the right to speak out가 낫습니다) Students can have different idea(s복수형태) from their professors’ (그리고 professors’ ideas를 줄인것이므로 professors’ 이렇게 됩니다.) (in a class as well필요없습니다). Therefore, I firmly believe that students have the right to express themselves even if their ideas cast doubt on the professors’.
Obviously,(여기서 obviously는 너무 강합니다. 빼세요) Today's education is different from that of the past in many aspects. For instance, in the past, students would not dare express their own views in their lessons, because they would have been considered impertinent. Today, however, keeping our own perspectives has become one of fundmental educational virtues in school (좀 이상해요. 억지로 껴맞춘것 같은 느낌이 듭니다 Today however, it is completely acceptable for students to question new ideas even if they come from their teachers. In fact, this attitude can be considered as a virtue in the contemporary period. Questioning things can increase the quality of learning.이건 어떨까요? ). Therefore universities have to make sure of students' right to express their voices. (뜯어고치면: Therefore, it is very important for universities to protect students’ freedom of speech.)
There is another fundamental reason why universities should encourage students to evaluate teachers. Teachers tend to ignore students(음 전 그렇게 생각하지않는데요 이건 따지고 보면 선생에 따라 다르죠: some teachers tend to ignore students. 조심하세요) It is true.(빼세요) Thus, Universities have to know how effectively or eagerly professors are teaching their students(빼세요 여태까지 하던 얘기의 초점이 아닙니다). Through this evaluation(이것도 delete), a university can classify the professor's worth in a class and encourage them to take care of their students more (Universities can use students’ opinions about a professor to determine whether s/he is an effective teacher or not 이렇게 바꿔쓰세요) According to my father, who is a university professor(짧게), he is usually encouraged from the survey of student(he is affected by student surveys.) 여기는 갑자기 초점이 흐려졌어요 한번만 읽어서는 앞뒤가 안맞아요.처음에 “everyone’s ideas are valid” 이런 식으고 가다가 “학생들의 평가에 따라 선생이 잘 가르치는 지 알수있다” 이렇게 가신건가요? 불분명해요 언뜻보면 학생얘기하다가 선생이 학생을 무시한다. 이러다가 대학얘기하다가 설문조사 얘기하다가 example 사이에 어떤관계가 있는지 더 명백하게 드러나야 합니다.그렇게 되도록 약간 고치긴 했는데…원본은 좀.. 아마 expression의 문제일겁니다. 이 문단은 처음부터 다시 쓰세요.
As a result, evaluating THE WAY A PROFESSOR TEACHES in a university is benefitial(BENEFICIAL) for THE university itself, AS
마지막 문단 이상해요
222 단어..밖에 안되구요 ㅠㅠㅠ
모의토플이라도 실전과 너무 유사하게 봤는데.. 긴장되고 첨이고 준비도사실 미숙하고 그래서 어려움이 많았습니다.
단어수는 충분치 못하더라도 나름 인트로에서 흥미를 끌려서 시도한게 무리한거같기도 하구요.
주장을 뒷받침하는 내용도 구체적이지 못하다는 생각이 들어요.
다른분들의 눈을통해 보면 더 날카로운 지적이나 도움되는 충고를 얻을수 있을거같아서 이렇게 올리구요.
5점 만점인가요? 6점만점인가요? 이렇게 쓰면 어느정도 받을수 있을지 궁금하네요 ㅠ 기대는 하지 않지만 실망하고싶지도 않아요 흑흑흑..
일단 너무 짥구요 크게크게 봤을때 EXAMPLE이 하나밖에 없어요 원래는 3개 가 가장 적합합니다. 첫째 EXAMPLE이랑 둘때 EXAMPLE은 근본적으로 같은 얘기니까 간추려서 합치세요. 그리고 INTRO에서 "우리는 모두 평등하다" 이건 토픽이랑 조금밖에 관련이 없으니까 빼세요
맞아요 주제가 잘 뒷받침되어 있지 않습니다. 구체적인 예가 필요하다는 걸 아신다니, 다행히군요. 중간중간 뜯어고친 문장들 참고바랍니다.