Everyone has parents, and people usually live with their parents for a long time. In this progress, people learn a lot of things from their parents. However, there has been an argument concerning over whether parents are good teachers or not. Some people strongly believe that parents are the best teachers. However, other people claim parents cannot be good teachers.
별로 필요없고 진부한 문장들말고 완성도를 원하시면 자신의 의견을 필역하기 전 일종의 wind-up이라고 해야하나요? 그런 문장들을 넣어주면 더 좋겠습니다. Intro의 요점은 질문의 배경의도를 정리하고 자신의 의견과 부드럽게 연결지어주면서 앞으로 이어질 내용을 암시하기 위함이죠. :)
However, with the advent of advanced school systems and dedicated teachers the role of parents as children's teacher has been becoming more vague. Thus their legitimacy as a best instructor has been being questioned. In this sense, some claim that the parents are now not necessarily the best and appropriate teacher for thier children. Contrary to this opinion there are some reasons that I believe they still are ~~~ In my opinion, parents are the best teachers for everyone because of these reasons.
First, there is no doubt that to be a good teacher, the people should have a lot of attention to their students. In this sense, parents can be good teachers because almost all parents have more attention to cares deeply about their children than anyone else. So to speak, they usually consider about their children and think children as their most important factor in their life. For instance, parents can point out a tiny misbehavior, like biting nails. Moreover, parents can correct children’s wrong speaking-habit, such as using slang, or improper intonation. 이쯤에서 일반 선생님들과 비교도 좋을것 같네요These things are that other people cannot acknowledge these things easily. However, because their attentions almost always go toward their children, parents can detect and correct them. Therefore, because parents have attention (attention을 준다는 표현이 크게 적절하지는 못한 어휘인데 게다가 너무 자주사용되는 듯 싶습니다.)to their children, parents can be good teachers.
Second, because parents can hugely contribute to form proper children’s personality, they are good teachers. In fact, the people who are called as good teachers usually contribute not only to students’ grade, but also to students’ their personality. contribution만으로 좋은 선생님으로 분류되는 것은 더 설명이 필요한 논리로 보입니다. Furthermore, character of children is usually formed when they are young. In this sense, because parents usually have a more time with children than anyone else when children are young, they are definitely the most influential people to children’s personality. For instance, almost every children observe and imitate their parents’ behavior, speech, habit, and so on. These things exactly affect (comprehensively or fully or affects) to form the forming of children’s character. Furthermore, because parents usually already know about this fact, they tend to show positive aspects and speak, and behave positively for their children. As a result, because this tendency hugely contributes on child’s personality, parents can be called as good teachers.
In summary, parents always try to form the proper character of their children, and they can teach many things which are seriously important to live in society with vast attention. For these reasons, I firmly believe that parents are good teachers.
1번은 지적해드렸고
논리가 크게 떨어지지는 않습니다.
적절하지 못한표현으로(예:have a lot of attention to students) 어긋나거나 원활하지않은 뜻전달이 이루어지는 것이 더 단점인 듯 보입니다.
점수는 제가 항상 묻는분들에게 말씀드리지만 저는 전문 채점을 하지 않기때문에 잘 모릅니다.
하지만 제가 첨삭해보는 에세이들을 기준과 ets에서 나온 가이드를 기준으로 봤을때는
18~24점 정도 되지 않을까 싶습니다. |