모의고사 세번 봤는데 독립형이 모두 4점이고 그이상은 안오르네요
안오르는 주요원인과, 표현상 어색한 점등 지적해 주시면 감사하겠습니다. 5점짜리 라이팅이라면 어떻게 쓰겠다. 요런 주요 전략좀 알려 주세요-> 질문이 무엇인지 올려주셔야 합니다. 다읽어보긴 했으나 시간이 없어서 가장 눈에띄는 인트로만 일단 해드릴게요 :)
There are heated debates on the issue that it is better to have broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in on specific subject. Although the jury is still out, I strongly believe that in today's society, people should learn about broad field, having knowledge of various academic subjects for two main reasons; to succeed in today's society and to maintain well-balanced life.
-> 작문수준은 어느정도 있는것처럼 보이지만 인트로부터 '학원템플릿'이 눈에 띕니다. 또한 두번째 문장은 너무 콤마가 많고 반복되는 내용이 있으며, 첫번째문장또한 질문은 보지 않았지만 단순히 질문 restate를 하신것 아닌가 싶습니다. 수정한것 한번 읽어보시고 참고해보세요. 최대한 people이나 I 같은 주어의 사용을 자제하도록 노력하는것도 글수준을 끌어올리는 좋은 방법입니다.
The world these days certainly require basic knowledge on almost all academic subjects. However, there are heated debates on the issue about whether such universal knowledge actually assists in specializing on a specific field or not. Although the jury is still out, It is true that our society still requires it. The reality is that well balanced knowledge is a must to succeeed in a certain area.
질문을 몰라서 지적은 못해드렸지만 주제와 논거와 연관성에서도 문제가 약간 있는것 같습니다 다음부터는 질문도 꼭 올려주세요 :)
First of all, you need to know about various subjects if you want to succeed in this society. Some people may argue that it is enough to focus on one academic field to complete one's task of life in this society. Of course, if you want to just be an expert, specializing in one field would be enough. However, most successful leaders need an architectural characteristic to organize and harmonize many people's needs and capacity. Take my case as an example, my major is architecture. In the college of architecture, most professors put an importance on integration of elements or parts. To get an achievement in harmonized architectural feat, they argue that architects should communicate with various kinds of experts including structural part, machinery part, landscape part and so on. This shows that the leaders who lead some projects or plans to the end should know about everything they are involved in. If it were not for the whole man, many great feats in the world could not be accomplished.
Second, broad knowledge of many academic subjects helps us to lead well-balanced life. In today's hectic life, most people have no time to concern about their health, mind, and quality of life. I think this might be mainly caused by being detached from natural human life. In this sense, to recover the natural life, people need to learn various kind of subject related to their lives. For example, today we are threatened by GMOs, which are genetically modified organisms. In our daily life, you can be exposed to eating them without perceiving. That means if you don't have any information about the food, you don't know what you are eating whatever it is harmful or not. Thus, it might put a serious blow to your health. It shows that we need to broaden our perspectives to other parts of subjects though we are not expert in them.
To sum up with, I think people should know much about other subjects including their major. It will help them not only to succeed in this society but also keep them from living in a harmful condition