원래 body 쓸 때 Thesis-> support->example->closing sentence 잖아요,,빨간색 줄친 부분 처럼
솔직히 반복되는 reasoning 이 4개 씩이나 되요,,,
이렇게 적는것 맞나요?? 혹시 무한 반복이 아닐까 의문이 드네요,,
한마디만 남겨주셔요,,ㅜㅜㅜ정말 감사합니다
ps- 에세이가 전반적으로 어떤지도 말씀해주시면 고개숙여 감사합니다.
Practice3
The ability to cooperate with others is more important today than in the past(토픽)
It is often said that cooperation is considered more significant in the past to make better qualities of people's lives. However, in my opinion, collaboration with co workers is more critical in current society. This is because people need to keep up with modern society and many people are seeking efficient way to finish their task, which requires working together.
First of all, nowadays, people live in fast paced world. In order to catch up with current society, people need to gather their thoughts to create innovative ideas. Workers could cooperate by sharing sophisticated and competitive opinions. Thus, their collaborated thoughts could help enhancing current technology and contributing to the society. For example, a famous technology company, Sam-Sung, recently offered teams for creating products because workers can make high quality products from their collaboration. In this regard, people can cope with current society, which changes rapidly, from cooperation.
Second, people endeavor to work efficiently. In the modern society, people are hectic and they are swamped with a lot of works. On the other hand, they could ease their burdens by working with others because cooperation could save both time and energy. For instance, unlike past generations, many talented singers are created through constant efforts. Those efforts mean working together with dancing trainers and singing trainers. Those trainers supported singers to enhance their skills in a short time. Therefore, illustrious singers would not be competitive if they practiced alone. In this sense, collaboration is significant in nowadays because people can work efficiently.
To sum up, people can cope with current society from cooperation and they can work in efficient ways. As a result, I agree with the statement that working together is more crucial today than in the past.