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There are many kinds of people in the world. Some people could be similar to me, but other people who are different from me also live on the earth.(<이렇게 당연한건 왜 쓰셨는지…? 토플은 꼭 필요한말만하는게 중요합니다.) Each individuals' characteristics (동물들이나 사물들만 characteristics라고 합니다. 사람은 ‘personality’. 안타깝게도 극소수만 이걸 알고 있더군요 여기 context에서는 “virtues”) are precious. However, when it comes to making friends, I believe that becoming friends with people similar to me is much better than people who are different from me. There are 2 reasons (영문장에 있어서 숫자도 룰이 있습니다. 여기서는 “two” 이렇게 쓰시고요 158, 즉 a hundred and fifty eight 이렇게 길어질때는 숫자로 표현합니다. 이것 역시 극소수만 아는…휴) why I think so.
First of all, I can spend a lot of time together (굳이 안쓰셔도 됨) with friends who have similar tastes (오타겠죠?) to mine. Being with them would be very comfortable and fun, because both my friend and I can fully enjoy doing the same thing together (왠지 문장이 좀 clumsy해 보입니다. 고친다면: because both my friend and I can enjoy doing same things together 뭐 이렇게 되겠죠) For example, I'm a voracious reader. A friends (s 없는거 아시죠? 이것도 오타인듯) of mine also loves reading. I often spend much time with her, reading the same book and talking about ther book (그냥 “talking about it”). In this meaningful experience, we contribute to each other's knowledge and grow the depth of thinking (여기는 완전히 뜯어고쳐야 합니다. This is a valuable experience to me, because we can gain more profound insights into literature. 이건 어떠신지요?)
Moreover, friends whose characteristics (“interests”도 괜찮을것 같군요.) are similar to mine are less likely to have arguments with me (“less likely to argue with me”). If 2 (two) people’s way of thinking are different, (그냥 심플하게 think differently) their opinions may clash, and it is not good to maintain a good relationship between them (여기는 표현히 좀…”and such conflicts can leave a relationship in tatters” 이건 어떨까요?) I felt the importance of similarity keenly (빼세요 이상합니다) when I lived in a dormitory. I'm (formal한 에세이에서는 contraction 되도록이면 쓰지 마세요) a
“morning person” and I am also very conscious about cleaning/everything being tidy. But (but가 문장 시작부분에 오는건 틀린겁니다. 여기서는 however이나 unfortunately 등등 중에서 고르세요) my roommate always slept in and never arranged her things neatly. A huge gap between our life styles often made us have conflicts.
People who are different from me are also deserve respect. However, I would be much happier to spend time with friends who are similar to me than friends who are not (필요없어요. 빼세요). We can spend meaningful time together, and since we are similar, we won't object to each other's opinions (아무리 비슷해도 한번도 다툼이 없다는건…이건 쉽게 보장되는게 아닙니다. we are less likely to object to each other’s views 이게 더 적합할것 같네요.)
먼저 happier, better 등등은 앞에 “more” 쓰시지 마세요.
그리고 항상 길게 쓰시는 경향이 있는데 짧고 간단하게 쓰는게 더 정확하게 뜻을 전달합니다. 예를들면, “Each individual’s characteristics are precious in themselves”에서 “in themselves” 은 전혀 필요하지 않습니다. 흐름이나 organisation은 어느정도 틀이 잡혀있네요. 그래머 조금만 더 신경쓰시면 좋은 에세이입니다.