A number of environmental significant-> environmentally significant problems have threatened our living, which requires-> which required, in turn이 들어가도 괜찮을것 같네요. -> which in turn requires people to recognize these environmental issues and try to protect our livelihood. In this sense, I claim that individual people have a power to reverse these deteriorating circumstances because if each people do even small things for this, this effect will make a great progress exponentially.-> each person's small efforts will add up exponentially into creating a huge effect.
Our environment have been worsened persistently by human immoderate living style. While we have developing technologies, we have not relatively taken care of environmental factors. In turn, we are facing serious environmental problems. Even in this condition, some people think they do not have an influence -> can do nothing about protecting these issue because it is too big and intricate to cope with. However, I never think so.-> 에세이에서는 I 의 사용이 최대한 적은것이 좋습니다. However, this is not true. Even if it seems so complex, lots of things that we can do are scattered in our society and home. We can recycle our waste from home and work , save water from immoderate using-> by not using it immoderately and reduce air pollution by substituting our private car with transportation-> public transportation. As we can see, there are numerous things that we can do. I think it is a first step to recovery the environment.
Of course, there might be an exception like BP oil spill accident. As a matter of fact, it is clearly beyond individual ability. Sometimes, these great accidents occur, but what we should notice is our attitude -> attitude of how we regard it. Because even if it is definitely not touched by us, we can do somethings for this.-> Nevertheless, there are things that we can do about this. In fact, BP oil spill was not well noticed because our views was -> views wereobscured from the great festival, 2010 world cup. However, some people who knew it's seriousness-> who (자연스러움을 위해) recognized it's seriousness begun to publish it online, which became promotion for people to perceive endangered environment. After recognizing it, we could indirectly participate in restoring it by encouraging ourselves to take care of the environment. It seems small, but I believe that these individual effort will gradually give changes into tangible ecosystem problems.
Consequently, we can do many different kinds of things for our environment issues whether it is direct or indirect. What is obvious is that we are generating environmental problems from ourselves. However, what is more important is that it will be restored by our's effort. As the old saying goes “ many a little makes a mickle", I am sure that individual trivial efforts or attention will ultimately show great power for our environment.
-> 댓글다신 분 말씀대로 시간안에 쓰는 연습을 하셔야해요.
토플에서는 완벽하고 장황한 에세이 보다는 조금 덜완벽하지만 그래도 자신의 의견이 (비교적 간단하더라도) 충분하고 자연스럽게 전달이 되는 에세이를 높게 평가 합니다.
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