It is often said that eating out is more beneficial than eating home because of convenience and faster-> faster serving. Although some people may agree with the opinion above, I firmly believe that advantages of having meals at home overweight disadvatages of its counterpart. There are several reasons for my view, but two of the most ones are as follows. First, eating home help us save money which use to buy a food-> which is used to buy food. Moreover, having food at home can control and measure calory intakes
First of all, people should spend money to buy food. To illustarte, there are a lot of restaurant in Seoul, Korea. In order to have some food in a restaurant, people should pay five dollors on average. If they want to eat dilicious and high-qulity food, they should pay ten dollors at least. According to the resent survey conducted by Seoul Univerisy, in order to prepare one meal in Seoul, they only need 2 dollors. As a result, having meals at home is one of the effective way -> one of the most effective ways to save money. Therefore, I assert that people try to prepare food at home for economy.
On top of that, not only people can save mony through eating home but also they can administrate their good diet. When people have a dinner in some restaurant, they don't have any idea what is food ingredients and where are food from-> what the food ingredients are and where they're from. In addition, they can not measure calrory intakes which is a great important to controll obess people which is consist of 22% in Korea. For example, if one man decide to make food at hoem, he go to buy ingredients in a mall or a market.-> in order for a person to cook at home, he needs to go grocery shopping and fill his bag with food ingredients. As a result, he can choose what is more fresh vegetable, fruites and what is low calrory materials, making it easy for preparing food at home to improve health. Therefore people should make meals at home for eating fresh, nutrient and low-fat food.
In conclusion, eating home have more benefit than its counterpart. If people always buy outside food, their account will be fall and you may have bad ingredients and artificial flavors. The more people realize that, the better economy and health will become.
-> 일단 20점 탈피하시려면 formulaic expressions를 사용하지 마셔야 합니다.
Intro에서 완전히 형식적인 문장들만 구성되어있는데 제가 이게시판만봐도 저런형태의 에세이들 하루에도 여러개 봅니다. 실제 ETS 감독관들이 보면 더지겹겠죠. 한국사람들 외워서 하는덴 신이니까요 :) 이제 작문실력도 어느정도 되시니 직접 배경설명, 질문의도설명, 요점요약등을 여러가지 다양한 표현으로 써내려가시는 연습을 하시면 좋겠네요.
그리고 또한가지는 문법이 너무 많이 틀리시는것도 조심하셔야겠구요.
마지막 수정해드린것과같은 다양한 문장표현방법과 어휘 선택 역시 중요합니다. |