Some people might think that they don't need to go to a zoo because they can just watch TV or read a book at home. There are a lot of ways without visiting the zoo.-> 흐름을 끊는 문장인듯합니다. However, in my opinion, it is not real animals from books or searching internet.
-> 이런 형태의 Intro를 많이봅니다만 절대 좋은점수를 받을 수 없는 Intro입니다. 너무 형식적이고 급하게 넘어가려는 느낌이 나는 서론이기 때문이지요. 자신의 생각을 한눈에 알 수 있도록 그리고 자신의 생각을 풀어놓기 전 독자가 읽고 준비할 수 있게 전체적인 아이디어를 간단하게 이해시키는 것이 서론입니다. 다른사람들은 이렇다그러더라, 그러나 나는 이렇게 생각한다. 이게 필연적으로만 서론이 아닙니다. There are two major reasons why a zoo is useful purpose for us : -> 앞에 there are two reasons 이부분은 인트로로 더 적합해보입니다. the zoo help children's educate and extinct animals in the zoo. First of all, the zoo helps children's educate-> to get educated with real animals. Sometimes, If children study at school with their books or TV, they will lose of their interest -> they will lose their interest because of boring. However, they visit a zoo with their parents and friends. It may really have fun with them and they also can find little amazing things from the animals. It will be good time to see many animal and experience. Only through visiting a zoo, they can not see lots of animas, but also children have good time with their parents and friends, because nowadays most of children have no time to have fun with their friends. As society is getting more complex and competition is getting fiercer. Therefore, the role of educate has changed. It was to studying hard at school, but not it is to many experience as much as you can do from variety of field. Hence, you can get what you like and what will you do in the future. It is desirable and true in this dog-eat-dog society.
-> 너무 생각들이 여기저기 퍼져있어요. 어떤 주장에 일관되게 정렬되어있다는 느낌보다는 이얘기조금 저얘기조금 요얘기 조금 이런형태를 띄고 있습니다.
Moreover as far as extinct animals are concerned, we couldn't find animals in the wildlife recently. For me, I had chance to see lot of extinct animals in the zoo. It was really exciting because it could only see the books-> it could only be seen in the books or pictures. In other to-> In order to protect extinct animas, there is noting better than a zoo. Sometimes, they will be send animals in the wildlife for increasing them in natural. If they didn't protect in the zoo, we may to see these animals in the books and TV.
-> 한두개 수정해드렸지만 문법틀린게 많으니 조심하시구요,
마지막 문장같은 경우에는 우리는 'book과 TV에서 볼수 밖에 없을것이다' 이부분이 빠진듯하네요. If they don't protect in the zoo -> In zoos don't protect the animals, we may to see these animals in the books and TV -> we may only see these animals in ~~
To sum up, I disagree withe opinion that a zoo has no purpose because there is good place to educate for children and a zoo protect extinct animals
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