Purpose of traveling is escaping from normal life. During this time, people can get tremendous benefit. -during, tremendous 사용한것은 좀 어색한듯 싶네요. -People can benefit from traveling( benefit from ing 숙어에요) Therefore, to get more benefit, we should go to foreign countries. -get은 보통 구어체에서 많이 쓰는데 gain을 쓰는것이 조금 문어체 답달까? Although some people think that traveling around own countries should be foremost, I firmly believe that we should to visit foreign countries. -다른 사람의 의견과 나의 생각을 비교하신것 같은데. -While some people think that~, I firmly believe that~. 이렇게 쓰는 것이 맞아요 -should는 조동사이며 조동사뒤에는 항상 동사원형이 나와야 합니다. -그러므로 we should visit foreign countries. Since, foreign countries have new cultures, food and environment. Furthermore, we can learn various perspectives. -Since 는 부사가 아니라 두 문장을 이어주는 접속사 입니다. 그러므로 Since다음에 콤마 절대 안됩니다. -Since S+V, S+V or S+V since S+V가 맞습니다.
First, escaping own countries allow us to enjoy delight new cultures, food and environment. -주어 자리에 escaping ~ 이라는 동명사가 나왔으므로 allows -enjoy에 즐기다라는 의미가 내포하므로 delight는 안써도 괜찮을것 같네요. -그리고 escaping own countries 보다는 traveling around the world( or abroad)가 나을듯 싶네요 Since, foreign countries fascinate us to concentrate on their traditional cultures. -Since는 앞에 말했던대로.. -이문장은 의미가 좀 이상한 듯 싶네요.. -I(or people) might be (or could be) fascinated by foreign countries since they have their own cultures. Even though nearest countries, we can feel freshness of their culture, food and environment. -Even though 역시 뒤에 S+V, S+V 이렇게 나와야합니다. -그리고 의미는 비록 ~ 하지만 ~하다 인데 무슨 의미로 쓰였는지 잘 모르겠네요.. Thus, traveling around foreign countries is strongly interesting and fun. Through this, we can easily relive our stress. -갑자기 스트레스에 관한이야기가 왜 나왔는지 잘 모르겠네요.. -외국 여행이 스트레스를 줄여준다라고 쓰시고 싶으시면 -This helps us (to) relieve our stress. 라고 쓰시면 됩니다. For example, I was visit Japan last year. Japan is nearest country with us. -I visited Japan last year. -nearest 는 최상급이므로 the nearest country - us 라고 하는 것보다는 my country. Firstly, I was believed that Japan may similar with us. - I believed that~ 이 맞습니다. -그리고 believe 만 반복하기보다는 think, claim, argue 등등 여러가지를 사용하는 것이 좋습니다. - 아 문맥을 다시보니 과거에 자신이 생각한것을 쓴것 이군요 그럴 경우에는 -I used to believe that Japan is similar to my country. similar은 동사가 아니고 형용사 이므로 may라는 조동사 뒤에 절대 오지 못합니다. However, it was totally different with us in almost aspects. -it was totally different from my country in many ways. When I visit Japanese restaurant, I’m really shocked. -When I visited Japanese restaurant, I was really shocked. Since, there is lots of new food such as Shu-shi, Gazeudon and ritual ceremony. -Since..위에 설명대로.. Also, I was fall in their beautiful architectures such as traditional temple and Ando dadao’s modern architecture. - 혹시 사랑에 빠졌다 라고 쓰시고 싶으시면 -I fell in love with their beautiful architectures. In this sense, I definitely believe that new experience on the travel is more beneficial. -- 본문1 에서 제가 생각했을때 스트레스에 관한 이야기는 빠지는 것이 좋겠네요
Moreover, from new cultures, we can have fresh culture shock. Sometimes the culture shock allows us to learn creative way of thinking. - to think creative.가 나을듯 싶네요 Since, foreigner has different perspectives on the same situation. -since 위에 설명대로.. in the same situation 이 맞아요 Thus, we can learn their unique way of thinking and new facets of object. -Thus, we can think creative and gain new perspectives가 제일 간결할것 같네요 The new facet allows us to have more creative ideas on our own works or studies. -너무 allow동사만 사용 하셨네요 enable 과 바꿔쓰시면 될것같아요 -의미상으로 help 도 괜찮을것 같에요 Therefore, I firmly believe that we should tour abroad. -한가지 단어사용은 절제.. -we should travel abroad. Take my cousin as an example, she was architectural student. - 콤마말고 문장을 끊어 주시는 것이 좋아요. -She majored in architecture She studied in Korea last 5 years. However, she can’t understand about the Rococo. -She could not understand 과거 이기 때문, -고유명사에는 the를 안씁니다. -그리고 글을 쓰실때는 줄임말 말고 풀어서 쓰시는 것이 좋아요 Since, the Rococo was born in Italy. -모두 위에 설명.. After graduate, she decided to visit Italy to see Rococo architecture directly. -After she graduated from the university, she decided to go to Italy ~ After traveling the Europe, she can inspire her many problems. - inspire을 왜쓰셨는지 잘 모르겠네요.. -제 생각에는 She could find many problems after traveling Europe. -the United States와 같이 정해진 것이 아니면 나라앞에 관사를 붙이지 않습니다 Therefore, I firmly believe that traveling around the world is better. -같은 단어 사용 절제.. -제가 생각하기에는 I prefer to travel around the world. 이렇게 쓰시는 것도 괜찮으실것 같네요
In conclusion, learning foreign perspectives helps people to be creative. -주어가 복수이기 때문에 help -의미를 더 강조하고 싶으시다면 help people to be more creative. Also, people can escape daily lives through traveling foreign countries. -Also, by traveling abroad, people can escape from daily life. As a result, I believe that we can get tremendous benefits through traveling around the world. - As a result, I argue that we can benefit from traveling around the world for those reasons.
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