If someone has received some land to use, most of people would build their luxurious house or their huge company. Unlike these common opinions, in my case, I would like to build a huge science park in this land. In this sense, <-이런의미에서 라는 접속사로, 여기서는 적절치 않아보입니다. it provides children to find their talents and develop their science potentials. Also, the profit can be reinvested in the science development. (Not only but also를 사용해주기 딱이네요, 물론 not only but also는 그렇게 고급구문은 아니지만 글쓸때는 가장 '있어보이게' 하는 것이 중요합니다 :)
First of all, building a science park allows young child to find their potentials for science. rephrase! In daily life, they don’t have to any chances to the see creative science products and newly founded principles such as spacecraft, space robot and the principle of marine machines because they just focus on their class in a school. <한 문장에 많은내용이 여기저기 조합되있는데 중간에 끊고가는것이 좋을듯 싶습니다. However, the science park built can have lots of newly new facilities to show children(계속 child 인데 일반적인 어린이를 칭하시려면 복수로 사용하셔야 합니다) the specific science principles and that is a good way to help them understand the basic principles which they have not experienced in their school. Also, through the direct experience in the science park, young child’s potential ability for the science can be improved.
These days, the importance of a science is getting expanded because there are many global problems such as the air pollution and the destruction of ozone layer. Also, the destruction speed is getting fast. Therefore, we should make a solution to prevent from these disasters. To solve these problems the development of the science technology is definitely necessary. Therefore, the vast investment of the science technology is necessary. So, the reinvestment of the park’s profit for the science development is good way to solve these problems.
body2는 reinvestment of parks profit 결론이 조금 갑작스러우므로
맨앞에 문장에도 profit reinvestment에 관한 얘기를 언급하면 좋겠어요 :)
In brief, if some land is given to me, I will apply for building a huge science park. That’s because it is effective to search the children’s gift and improve their science background. Also, the profit application of the science park allows us to solve the aforementioned serious problems. |