Character can be changed in lots of ways. But, I believe that, sports have a great power to develop one's character as better one. I can confidently say this with my two experiences that I had through sports.
First of all, it made me cooperate well with other people. When I was in 6th in elementary school, I was selfish girl who did not care other people. But after joining the school volleyball team, I could feel the importance of cooperation in games. I tried to collaborate with team members. My personality that was very egoistic began to change in better ways. I brought some cookies for my friends and I helped them if they had some troubles.
Second, sports has made me grow my patience. Actually I am the one who can not wait long. I have to do or start something in quick time. It was one of the worst habbits that I had to change. However, after starting to marathon at the playground near my house. I learned how to wait and how to be patient with relaxed mind. It has helped me a lot, even now.
Sports have special features as sports. Sports are different from exercise. Sports require so many things such as the ability of cooperation, a mind of patience etc. To do well on the sports, the person who will join the sports should follow the provisions that are necessary. Through the process of these, a subject becomes to have better characters than he had before. Because in sports, not to change means no sports.
Re :
Character can be changed in lots of ways. (lots of ways 라고 해놓고는 실제 예 없이 but 으로 들어가면 서론이 빈약해 보입니다. 조금 고치셔야 하지 않을까요..character can be changed in lots of ways. 라고 쓰신후에 실제로 어떠한 것들이 character를 바꾸는지에 대해서 간략하게 쓰시고 그다음 이런것도 있지만 나는 sports가 character를 바꾼다고 생각한다라고 말하셔야 합니다..)
But, I believe that, sports have a great power to develop one's character as better one.(어떤 결과가 나오나요? 그 결과를 말해주고 뒷문장 confidently 로 넘어가 주세요 예를 들면, sports를 하면 협동심이 길러지고 인내심이 길러진다. 이런 문장을 적어주고 그다음 나는 이것을 자신있게 내경험을 토대로 사실이라고 말할 수 있다.라는 식으로 해주세요.) I can confidently say this with my two experiences that I had through sports. (better one 해놓고는 마찬가지로 detail이 부족합니다. 그리고 two experience도 좋지만 조금 일반화 하셔야 하지 않을까요...)
First of all, it(처음쓸때는 it 보다는 sports라고 밝히시는 것이 좋습니다.)made me cooperate well with other people. When I was 6th grade in elementary school, I was selfish girl who did not care about other people. But after joining the school volleyball team, I could feel the importance of cooperation in games. I tried to collaborate (join이 나을듯.)with team members. My personality that was very egoistic began to change in better ways. I brought some cookies for my friends and I helped them if they had some troubles. (Therefore, Hence, Thus 등으로 한문단을 마무리 해주세요.)
Second, sports has (have) made (helped me to grow)가 낫겠네요. my patience. Actually I am (was) the one who can not wait long. I have to do or start something in quick time. It was one of the worst habbits that I had to change.(had to change에 대한 설명이 없습니다.왜 change 해야하는지.) However, after starting to marathon at the playground near my house. I learned how to wait and how to be patient with relaxed mind. It has helped me a lot, even now.
In conclusion , To sum up with, To sumarize. 같은 것 넣어주시구요. (Sports have special features as sports. Sports are different from exercise. 이 2개는 그냥 한문장으로 묶으시는게 좋을 것 같습니다. Sports have special features which are different from exercise.) Sports require so(여기서 so를 쓰시면 부정적인 뉘앙스가 듭니다 sports자체의 장점을 가지고 있기 때문에 이 문장 자체를 sports have many advantages for people such as ~로 연결하시는게 낫다는 느낌이 드네요.) many things such as the ability of cooperation, a mind of patience etc. To do well on the sports, the person who will join the sports should follow the provisions that are necessary. Through the process of these, (I strongly believe that과 같은 마지막 종결어구를 결론에도 하나 넣어주세요.)a subject becomes to have better characters than he had before. Because in sports, not to change means no sports.
※ 문법과 같은 structure 에는 그리 큰 하자가 없는듯 합니다만.. detail이 부족합니다. 그리고 글길이 자체가 짧아서 그만큼 내용이 충분하다고 여겨지지는 않습니다. (제 실력도 부족한지라... writing 28점이지만 남들을 이렇게 첨삭해주기는.... 죄송합니다.) 짧은 제 소견이었습니다.. 근데 잘쓰신거라 생각합니다.. |