Would it be possible for teenagers to get benefits from doing part time jobs? Some people might say that they have to solely concentrate on their works in schools. However, I strongly believe that it will be advantageous to teenage students to have part time jobs for following points. First, it will help them to build relationship with others. Second, they can have diverse experience that will be used when they have their own jobs.
To begin with, the meaning of doing great job in our lives is completely changed compared to the past. In the past,(이렇게 적지 않으면 과거, 현재 비교가 안 됩니다) It was merely exceeding others, but now it is different. Along with one's own ability, a person must have people who can lend you a hand when you are in trouble. In this sense, teenage students are able to find various people who can be helpful to them during having jobs. (how? 예시로 곧바로 들어가기보다는 어떻게 find various하는지 설명 문장 한문장정도 적어주는 게 좋습니다) For example, when I was in the middle school, I participated in business modeling competition. my topic was making eco-friendly products. However, somewhere along the way of preparing products, it was quite difficult for me to understand the process of photosynthesis. (어떻게 teenager가 find person하는지 말해줘야 하는데, 여기 예시에서 나오는 tony는 이미 알던 친구 아닌가요? 예시를 적으려면 focus를 조금 더 다르게 둬서 고등학교에서--알바를 했는데 거기서 친구만났다. 얘기하다보니 연결사를 알게 되었고 --하게 되었다. 이렇게 똑같은 이야기도 포커스를 어디다 두느냐에 따라 다릅니다) Thus, I called Tony, who was my partner in a workplace of the part time job. He had myriad of knowledge in Biology. Thanks to his careful explanation, I was able to understand scientific background and finish my works for competition.
To explain, gaining diverse knowledge is one of the most essential factors in our lives. Imagine students only have textbooks knowledge. Their views will be so narrow. By doing part time jobs, students are able to not only get precious experience but also broaden their perspectives. For example, when I was running my own company, I had a problem with getting the profit. Although our company was pretty popular among customers, there was a continuous decline in our profit. Then I began to come up with my experience when I was doing part time job at the cafe near my house. Employees including me received less payments from our manager when new employees started to work. Then I finally found that there were quite numerous employees in our company with fixed payment. Thus, I cut the payment of employees and solve the problem in our company due to the experience of my part time job. (무슨 의미인지 이해가 안 갑니다)
To sum up, it is beneficial for teenage students to have part time jobs. First, it will help them to build relationship with others. Second, they can have diverse experience that will be used when they have their own jobs.
두번째 main paragraph에서 예시 나오기 전에 주장 설명 조금 더 나오면 좋을 것 같아요.
마지막 conclusion에서 마무리가 더 나왔으면 좋았을 것 같아요.
전체적으로 어휘가 아주 기본적인 편입니다. 에세이 쓸 때 처음 생각 든 어휘적지 말고 어휘 동의어를 생각해서 찾아 적으면
어휘가 더 다양해집니다. 특히 연결사 너무 기본적인 것 사용하기보다는 범주를 넓혀가면서 연습하면 좋을 듯 합니다
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