▶ Your Answer :
Allocating budget plays a significant role in university
club operation. However, what kind of club should we spend more money? Logically, people
who growing diverse backgrounds maintain various thoughts towards the issue. While
some might think that university should spend more money on a club that offer
house-building service for people who cannot afford to buy or rent their own
house, others deem other club should be allocated more budget such as club that
help elders or club that teach children with reading and mathematics. From my
own point of view, however, I am agreement with the former side; university
should spends more money on house-building cub. introduction조금 더 짧게 적고 main point는 main paragraph에서부터 쓰는 걸 추천드립니다
To begin with, building houses for people who cannot
afford their own house can contribute to our communities’ overall happiness.
Although a house is the basic element required to live a normal life, many
people cannot deal with this issue (무슨 맥락에서 issue라고 한 건가요? issue는 올바른 설명이 아닌 것 같습니다..)because of its high price or rent fee. When
the university offers a house to those people, it is likely to give them a
chance to feel the sense of security and prevent them from committing a crime
because of their poverty and anxiety. As a result, it increases the overall
happiness of our community. This kind of club activity can be the most
essential help with more budget since other kinds of club activities can be alternate
with complimentary services of volunteering groups. For example, when I entered the high school, my family lost our house because of my family’s (맥락상 obvious한 부분은 적지 않아도 됩니다) business failure.
We were in debt up to our eyeballs and I couldn’t focus on my study because all
of my family were separated and couldn’t live together. However, the situations got
much better after one of the university started to invest money on a club that offers the house to the people who lost their house. I applied that service right away
and soon, we were able to live together again. It brings me priceless feeling
of security and strong bond with my family members. If university had not
invested their money on the club, I would have lived normal life and could have
been a criminal because of insecure feeling and poverty.
Looking
at the statements above. I firmly believe that allocating more budget to a club
that can offer house-building service to people can contribute to our society most.
This is because we can save many citizen from poverty and help them to live a
normal life. This prevent them from thinking pessimistically and being a criminal.
All in all, the importance of offering basic condition to whom cannot afford it
far outweigh other options’ importance
전체적으로 아주 기본적인 문법 오류들이 많이 포착되는 편입니다. 기본적으로 시제 한 문장에서도 왔다갔다 하는 부분이 꽤 많이 보입니다. 그리고 수일치 안 되는 부분 정말 많고 문장들 자체가 이해가 안 가는 부분이 꽤 됩니다. 영작 연습 다시 하거나 다른 사람들이 쓴 글을 읽어보는 걸 추천드립니다 |