▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that the university is where all students are trained and
learning all kinds of knowledge. However, there has been controversy about whether nonacademic classes are as important as
academic courses. Some people may think that they are also as critical as studies. Others do not think like that.
In my opinion, I believe that there is an unequal importance extension between
non-academic and academic classes due to the original reason for the schools’
establishment and only one that is taken in
school.
First of all, the most precious and
important reason to build schools is to teach students. University is the
highest educational institution that people are studying and researching on
their field in. Even though sports and social activities are also important as
practical activities for students’ lives, it cannot be considered as equal
value with the academic part. Several local
universities tried to invest more on the area
that trains students to make one more professional in their working area. In
those schools, classes that students can learn about computers, language, even health training skills were dominant. Even though they were trying to meet
the current students who are suffering from the lack of job offerings and want
to enjoy a school
life, those schools became deteriorate because students
did not go there anymore. Even if students like fascinating objects such as
sports, practical classes that help for them to get a job, and a lot of social
meetings that they can meet new ones and experience new activities, they became
sick of those kinds of the shallow areas because the reason why they go to university is to
learn and be intellectually matured.
Furthermore, the University has to invest in those areas strategically because it has
limited annual budget. Investing equally in all
of the areas is not an efficient
way to make universities better. With an
economics view, rational humans consider the priority
of what they have because they have an arranged time and money, and this law is
also applied in the school system. There are two reasons why academic part
became a priority among the schools’ activities *여기서 2개 이유를 설명하기보다는 budget이야기를 조금 더 깊게 파고 들어가는 게 좋았을 거 같습니다. 한 paragraph에서는 그 주장에만 집중해서 적는게 중요합니다.
This is because the academic area is an essential cause for the school’s
establishment and only existed in school. In my city, there are several sports
centers where I can learn a variety of sports and social salons like language,
reading, even pop-music-related salons. People and students can enjoy those
kinds of activities without the school’s
supports. It would be wasteful if schools cost a lot of money to build and support
those areas regardless of how much other communities and cities spend on them.
In conclusion, the university
has to consider the academic area as the first and spend
money on their programs more effectively. This is because school is the
place student learn knowledge and other programs except for academic fields can
practice outside. In this regard, I disagree with the statement that athletics
and social activities are as important as academic classes [479]
전체적으로 어휘가 반복적으로 나오는 편입니다. 다 쓰고 proof reading할 때 반복적으로 나오는 어휘는 줄이는 것이 좋습니다 문장 적을 때 문장이 길게 이어지다보면 앞과 뒤가 안 맞는 경우가 있습니다. 이런 부분 없도록 앞/뒤 계속해서 확인하며 적어줘야 합니다. 그리고 paragraph를 무조건 길게 적는 거 보다는 point-focusing해서 짧게 적는게 훨씬 좋습니다. |