There seems little doubt that one can make the best decision for oneself because one knows oneself well. however, I think that through others' opinions one may as well make a critical decisions in that one can gain a good answer and clarify one's own thinking.
-> 음..... 같은 단어가 너무 많이 반복되구요. 의미가 약간 애매모호한 부분이 있는것 같아요. 단어들의 수준은 매우 높으신데 연결이 잘 안되는듯합니다.
First of all, other people can give one a good point of view in making a significant decision. If one would listen to others' advice on some difficult matters, one could attain a clear solution about the problem. When I had to decide which university is suitable for me. It (. it) was really hard to making(make) a decision, but both my friends and my parents gave me good advice. If I had to decide it alone(by myself) at that time, I was not easy to make a wise decision about that problem.(it could have been much harder for me to make a right decision) In this way, by following the advice of friends and family members, one can make a decision more wisely and more rapidly.
-> 빨간건 grammar mistake구요 파란건 suggestion입니당 :) 사용하시는 단어수준이 굉장히 높으신것 같아요. 수준 높은 단어를 제자리에 place하는 것이 아무래도 중요하고, 그러기 위해서는 글쓰는 연습을 많이 하는수밖에 없는것 같습니당 which you've done just now :)
Besides, it is through discussion that one can acquire the best answer. When one has to make a vital decision, conversation with others can help gain a definite answer. I had lots of difficulty in deciding my major between the science of political economy and the law in which I had much interest. At that time I asked some advice of my friends and seniors. And I got some great advices from them and I could make a good decision. So now I could accomplish my goal. My experience shows that through talking with thoughtful people comes to a deeper understanding of oneself.
-> 흠, example을 둘다 자기 경험으로 하는건 약간 신빙성이 떨어지지 않을까요. 거짓말하셔도 상관없으니까 다른 것도 연결시키시면 좋은데.... according to the recent study done by Korea University, more than seventy percent claimed that they feel more secure when making decision after consulting with their friends or family members. 이러면 더 strong한 evidence를 줄수 있겠지요^^
In conclusion, I think that others' opinions are helpful in making a big decision on the ground of making the best answer and seeing oneself more exactly. Without others' advices, we cannot make a satisfactory decision.
-> 흠, conclusion 때는 여태까지 discuss한것을 간략하게 써머리 해주시는게 중요한데요... 이유를 설명안하시고 state만 하셨네요.
토플 공부하시느라 힘드시죠 ㅠㅠ 조금만 더 힘내시구요. 저는 writing 할 때 예문 받아쓰기 많이 했어요. 물론 그걸 외울 수는 없겠지만.. 얼만큼 써야하는지 대충 알수 있거든요. 힘내시구요 :) 열공하세요! |