> > 2010-05-28 13:04:12, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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Topic : 정부는 인터넷에 돈 더 써야 하나, 공공교통에 더 돈 써야 하나?
( 늘 5분정도가 모자르네요..ㅠ.ㅠ 단어 중심으로 더 부드럽고 자연스러운 단어, 프레이즈로 바꿔주시면 넘넘 감사할거예요!! 너무 오랜만에 쓰는거라 표현도 딱딱한것만 생각 나고...표현이 어색하고....) | |
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There are several ideas (idea? 좀 이상한데요.. opinions 정도 좋지 않을까요) about whether the Korean government should put more budget on public transportation. Some people say that developing the public transportation for easy access to everyone(public transportation 자체가 이미 everyone을 전제한 거니까 everyone 또 쓰면 redundancy) is more important than spending money on the expanding of Internet (타동사 다음에 바로 목적어 - 전치사 쓰면 안됨) in Korea. In my opinion, however, the Korean government (나라 이름 앞에는 the 쓰면 안되요 예외: 국가 이름이 복수인 경우는 the 씀. e.g.: the US) should spend more money on expanding the Internet lines rather than on public transportation, because it can makes the Korean economy stronger, and the Internet brings(can realize정도가 좋지 않을 까요) true meaning of democracy.
To the begin with, developing Internet lines for everyone helps the Korean economy stronger(위에 썼으니까 powerful등으로 바꾸면 좋지 않을까요.. 그리고 경제가 강하다는 말보다는 develpoing infrastructure such as internet can make Korea economy more efficient 이정도로 효율성에 대한 말을 하는게 더 자연스러울 듯 하네요). Thesedays goods and information are transacted on the Internet, which gives positive impact on the whole economy. Actually, it(지칭하는 바가 goods and information이면 복수 they) has changed the condition of the economy. For example, many people prefer shopping on-line to shopping offline. Therefore, almost all companies are now realizingrecognizing/learning the power of the online consumers. If the government puts more money on the Internet, more people can be participated in the transactions on line(customers of online shopping mall), which will make our(처음에 Korea government로 시작했는데 our가 나와서 좀 어색하네요. 첨부터 my country, South Korea 이정도로 전데해주고 시작하면 어떨까 싶어요) economy stronger, because the Korean government is now facing the need of boosting buy and sellthe economy. On the other hand, spending budget on transportation doesn't help the nation stronger, because almost all roads and highways have already been developed. Therefore, Korean people will not use the new subways and roads because they already have the world famous convenient transportation system.
Furthermore, the Internet actualizes the true meaning of democracy. Some Newspapers and magazines are easy for the mass of people to makeget unfair preconceived ideas for political matters. Actually, several Korean governments in the past used broadcasting companies and newspaper firms for their sake their selfish purpose. However, on the Internet all information is opened, and people can share all kinds of ideas and information. Therefore, the true meaning of democracy, whichthat is that all people can freely share their opinion and speak their voices about political issues, can be actualized. The government can no longer control the news and ideas if people can share them on the Internet. However, if the government puts more money on the public transportation, it will not contribute to the development of our nation's democracy.
On the conclusion, the Korean government has to spend more money on the Internet rather than on the transportation system for the vivid(efficient) economy and establishment of the true democracy. If the government puts more money on the transportation, it will waste of money, and it doesn't give any good influence of(considering/regarding/in aspect of) realization of the(realizing democracy. Therefore, the Korean government definitely should(has to) increase the budget on the expanding the Internet lines for everyone in Korea. | |
저도 연습하는 입장이라서 쓸까 말까 고민하다가 올려봅니다. 혹시 이상한 부분 있음 말씀주시고요..
내용면에서는..
말씀하고자 하는 바는 잘 전달이 되는데요
중복 표현이 많은 것이 아쉬웠습니다. 좀더 간결하게 표현하는 것을 연습하시면 좋을 것 같아요
문법면에서는..
타동사 다음에 전치사 없이 오는것, the를 너무 자주 쓰시는 것을 주의하시면 좋을 것 같아요
아기 낳으신 것 축하드립니다 :)