Some people argues (argue) that student’s sports activities is (are) really important in their students (students') life. However, I have a different idea. When it comes to the statement that universities should invest the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities ad (as) they invest to their library, I disagree with it (with the following reasons).
To begin with, I strongly believe that student’s participation of sports activities intervene in following the stream of the changing world. Nowadays, I think students need to catch up with the situation of the world. In terms of jumping in to the changing world, one of the most effective method to know the world is reading books on how the world is going on. As I have read the book, I realize that I have to use my time to figure out the world which affect all the people in the world including me. (이 paragraph에서는 grammatical error 나 spelling error 는 없는거 같아 보이는데, 약간 off-topic 같아 보여요)
In addition, I think many universities’ library has a diificulty to supply their facility to students who want to use their library. In my university’s library, there are no enough seat(s) for those who want to use their time in library including me. They are always jeering the school with the opinion that the university should invest their money to make student comfortable when they use libraries. (좀더 길게 써주시면 더 좋을거 같아요)
In conclusion, I think it is better that universities must give more their money to library than to student’s activities (must allocate more of their money in improving library than supporting students' sport activities. 뭐 이렇게 쓸수도 있겠네요). Investing money to libraries is more effective to encourage students to jump into the changing world. In addition, there are many students who want better library that give their own seat. For these reasons, universities should give more money to libraries.
전체적으로 좋은 에세이인거 같아요. 하지만, 좀 더 다양한 단어 + 글을 길게 쓰시면 고득점 가능해요. ^^ |