Many people say that there could be serious problems with the Internet sooner or later. However, in my opinion, there is no better way to take benefits from the Internet. However, in my opinion, the benefits of the Internet outweighs the drawbacks of it. There are several reasons why I am asserting this opinion. Let me introduce my thinking.이런 문장은 긴글에 어울려요. 토플엔 바로 right to the point하게 쓰는게 중요. 브레인스토밍을 못한 상태에서 인트로를 써서 마지막에 바디의 내용을 요약하지 못한 것 같아요.
First of all, when we think in terms of transferring of information, using the Internet is the best way of doing so. For an example, if a war occurred in KOREA, many people even in the other end of the world like the American would realize it via the Internet very soon, and we all could be ready for the events. We are living in a cutting-edge technology society. From the Internet, we could access any kinds of information that we wanted very fastly. Like using iphone, when we walk along a street, we could answer questioned ourselves about anything any question that hit our brain suddenly by using iPhone. Then, we could access the Internet by iphone and take answers for the questions. Some might say that there should be a huge virus or crisis such as something like that imazining like Y2K. However, that is why there are a lot of people who working at solution programing companys are always do their job. Moreover, even after year 2000.1.1 12 a.m., nothing happened.
정확히 어떤 내용을 전달하고 싶은지 정하지 못한게 눈에 띄네요. 처음에 썼던것처럼, "다양한 정보를 접할수있기때문에" 라는 주제에서 벗어나지 않게 써주세요 ~ 아이폰이야기를 하려면 어디서든 정보를 공유할수있다. 이런주제로 써주세요 ~
Secondly, by using the Internet, we could create a whole new type of connection. |