> > 2010-07-30 16:10:25, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The best way to truly relax and to reduce stress is to spend time alone.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. | |
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Many people think that spending time alone is the best way to relax and reduce stress. Of course, It is one of the good way to these purpose. However, I truly believe that the best way to relax and to (빼세요) reduce stress is to spend time with other people/another person because of two reasons :they can offer you useful advices and they can listen to you while you share your thoughts with them.
To begin with, people can gain helpful advices by communicating with other people who are intimate with them such as friends or siblings (앞에서 friend를 복수형태로 쓰셨기 때문이죠). It is because that(빼세요) these intimate (intimate 보다는 close가 나을듯) people can easily spot what the problem is. (솔직히 이 부분은 좀 이해가 안가요 부모가 그 누구보다 더 아이를 잘 이해할 수있다 뭐 이런건지요? 그렇다면 좀더 develop 하세요. From my experience, when I was in high school, I had trouble trying to enter my dream university becuase I felt that my grade remained the same even after I studeied arduously. But (But가 문장 제일 처음에 오면 안됩니다.여기선 fortunately가 좋을듯) 여기는 뜯어고쳐야 합니다. My teacher and my older sister(왠지 한명만 고르시는 게 나을것 같습니다) encouraged me to never give up. They told me that my problem was pessimism. They taught me an important lesson. They thought that I should believe in myself more if I wanted to raise my grades. So (so 역시 문장 맨 앞에 오면 안됩니다) with their advices , I could overcome my problem and successfuly enter the university.
In addition, spending time with other people is more effective than spending time alone since it can encourage people to release their emotion effectively (이건 expression의 문제입니다. 영어에서 이런 표현은 존재하지 않아요. "talk it out" 이걸 찾으셨던건 아닌가요?. If people who have trouble spent (그래머 조심하세요) time alone, it would be easier for them to cope with stress and personal problems. For example, when I had clashes with my friends I would spend time alone, listening to music or watching a movie. However after I spent time with other PEOPLE, I found that this was more effective becuase I felt much better after talking it "all out". My good friends would be all ears and they would talk me through my problems.
To sum up, I strongly believe that spending time with other PEOPLE is better way(빼세요) than spending time alone. If you have a problem, try to confide in your close friends or family members about it. 이건 이미 한번 써먹은거라 좀...It will be the best way to reduce your stress and relax yourself. 이건어떨까요:You will feel much more comfortable afterwards and you will be amazed by how much support they can give you. | |
시간 정확히 재서 시험처럼 써 봤습니다. 시험이 얼마 안 남았어요ㅠ 처음 올리는건데 잘 못 된 부분 지적좀 해 주세요ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 헉 쓰고보니까 조금 아웃토픽인 것 같네요;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; 이런;;;;;;; 이렇게 쓰면 몇 점 정도 나올 수
있을까요? ;;;;;;
오프토픽은 아닙니다. 그것보다 argument나 example이 좀 약해요. 좀더 concrete하게 쓰셔야 합니다. 예를 들면 두번째 이유 드실때 "다른 사람에게 얘기하는건 정말 필요한거다. 그래서 정신과의사나 psychiatrist같은 전문직도 있지않느냐?" 이렇게 쓰면 요점이 훨씬 분명해집니다.
그래머 다시보시고요 (a나 the를 언제 쓰고 언제 안쓰는지 등등) 아 그리고 PEOPLE!!
other person (x)
other people 이나 ANother person(o)
꼭 주의하세요.
또 한국적인(?) 표현은 피하세요 시험채점하는 사람들이 못알아듣는 경우가 있습니다.
도움이 되셨나요?
p.s. 다 쓰고 보니 빨간색이라 눈이 좀 아프네요. 다음번에는 노랑색으로 해야되겠군요.