▶ Your Answer : There has been a debate in recent time concerning with whethere the best way of progressing a country is to improve its schools whether improving schools leads to the progress of a country. In my opinion, I truly agree with the following statement for two reasons. To begin with, I think if a country decides to improve its educational systems like schools, the educated people from there would be more helpful to improve diverse aspects of the country the educated people will become great output to help a country (이유는 항상 간결하게 서술하시길 바랍니다). According to my little brother, Josh always argues that these days (according to 뒤에서는 항상 주장을 서술하시길 바랍니다 주어가 무엇을 말했다라고 서술하는 것 보다는), a lot of people from great educational centers like Stanford University are helping their countries by being a global leader or coming up with great ideas to help their countries' financial problems help their countries to make people become a global leader. When he was learning in the school, a lot of parts of the educational system was too bad to support their students, and many people from the school could not be useful people because of the lack of the elaborate education. However, the school system in recent time was improved by the government, and it can provide the sophisticated and elaborate education for growing helpful people for encouraging countries to be improved. providing the sophisticated and elaborate education.
On top of that, I believe that almost everyone from most of wealthy countries has a lot of kinds of the knowledge people can acquire knowledge to improve country. According to the professors from New York University, they maintains that lots of countries which got a lot of problems to be improved are composed of people who were not educated well a lot of developed country could progress as it has a good educational system to improve overall the quality of people. Whereas, the people in the great countries are educated well in various kinds of improved schools. Likewise, countries should improve their schools to make people get educated well and to solve their various problems for improving themselves
. To sum up, taking all of these reasons into the account, I have already arrived at the rational conclusion, which is that improving a school is the most effective way to progress a country in which a country has to improve school system to enhance their situation.
점수: 22 일단 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 전체적인 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이가 가지고 있는 문제점은 두 번째 단락이 내용면에 있어서 너무 부족합니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |