▶ Your Answer :
Most students generally think that they don't need to wear school uniform do not need to wear school uniform (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). But However i strongly contend that wearing school uniform is very necessary for students for following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, school uniform bring positive relationship between students and others brings about positive relationship (uniform은 단수 주어 입니다). School uniform allow allows students to realize their different grades by name tag on school uniform.Because of this advantage,students can keep good relationship between senior students and junior students by keeping attitude each others Such name tag keeps good relationship between senior and junior students. There will be create less conflicts between parents, children and their school mates.. To be specific, students are likely to bother others who has poor family background bother others who have poor family background. So, if students don't wear expensive cloths that most students wear they will feel alienated. However, if they wear integrated school uniforms, there are less possibility to wear another cloths which require a lots of money and emerge school bullying. (한 단락에 두 가지 이유가 들어가는 거 같습니다?)
On top of that, people can save their money by wearing school uniforms. People may think buying uniform is too expensive for them. But, actually wearing school uniforms prevents students from spending their money and time for what they will wear at school. Because they don't need to worry about wearing different cloth each day and there are ways to get school uniforms cheaper or free As students only have to wear school uniform, students do not have to think about wasting cost . From my experience, my family was so poor that buying a school uniform was a big burden. So we find a way to solve the problem that called 'School uniform drop-off event' which students who graduate leave their school uniforms for juniors.
To sum up, i think wearing school uniform is very important because students can keep their relationship much easier way and it help people to save their money.
점수: 23 일단 첫 번째 바디 단락에서는 어색한 표현들도 많이 보이긴 하지만 전체적으로 예시 부분에 잇어서 오류가 있습니다. 지금 이 단락에서는 한 단락에 두 가지 이유가 들어가 있습니다. 따라서 좀 더 간단하게 한 이유에 초점을 맞춰서 한 단락에 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분을 주의하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 단수 복수 주어에 따른 올바른 동사 형태를 잘 파악 못하는 거 같습니다. 주의하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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