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people are living hectic life in modern society, so it is common for them to be
neglecting their health neglect their health. Some people think the kind of good or the amount of stress
is aspect that we need change for improve our health. for improvement of our health. However, I personally
believe the amount of exercise is aspect that people need change for their
health because next two reasons. This is because exercise enables people to
relieve stress and live better quality of life. should be changed to improve health for the following two subsequent reasons.
First
of all, exercise enables people to relieve stress. Understanding people’s daily
environment and the potential role of exercise is necessary to substantiate
this view (좀 도 본인의 주장을 입증하기 위해서 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다 모호합니다). Every morning, people have to patiently sit through heavy traffic to
get to work. Once they are at home they have to endure countless documents and
continue to read more even at home, This exhausting routine repeats itself and
eventually wear down people. Therefore, people can exercise to relieve their
stress and making their body healthy. As a way to manage the ensuing stress,
people can do exercise such as jogging. Even if it is only for short time, this
frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from the work. In this
regard, exercise enables people to relieve stress.
Moreover, exercise enables people to enjoy better
quality of life. In respond to increase role of exercise, many expert opinions
and research statistics reinforce the idea that exercise enables people to live
happier life (좀 더 구체적으로 이러한 주장이 나왔는지를 더 설명하시길 바랍니다). Exercise enables people to break away from their daily routines
to live happier lives. By diverting from the mundane, people have the
opportunity to encounter new activities to increase their life satisfaction.
For instance, exercise has psychological benefits. It helps to detract focus
from job stress and personal issues all the while generating self-confidence
and motivation. In other words, exercise provides convenience for people to
seek diversions that invoke feelings of pleasure and satisfaction and
ultimately enjoy a better quality of life.
To sum up, I
would personally change the amount of exercise to improve my health. This is
because exercise relives people’s stress, and also enables people to enjoy
better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be
underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
점수: 26 지금 이 에세이에서 고쳐져야 할 부분은 이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에 있어서는 구체적으로 설명하지 않고 모호하게 설명을 하고 예시로 넘어가는 경향이 있는데 좀 더 구체적으로 본인의 주장을 입증하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분 이외에는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |