▶ Your Answer : Some people might think that raising pets would be the most effective method for children to be taught responsibility. However, in my opinion, living with pets does not help children enhance sense of responsibility. This is because there are other ways to perceive it besides caring for pets and raising pets even would make children think life less important. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다) To begin with, it is better to try to have more relationship with their own friends. Hanging out with their friends would help their sociable ability. That can promote themselves promote responsibility. Such ability improves the sense of responsibility. The study was conducted by the Korean Pets Association to determine whether pet could be a good method to increase children's responsibility. The researchers tracked the duration of raising of 200 students over a 3 year period. What they found was intriguing. The majority of students did not raise pets in 2 years. They abandoned pets due to various reasons. They gave up having pets mostly because they started to feel sick and tired of their pets, or scarce of finance. This study demonstrates that raising pets does not correspond with responsibility.
On top of that, having pets would rather diminish children's sense of responsibility. In children's view, they might think pets are nothing but their toys. Pets could be easily wasted like toys no more interesting. Thus, having pets is not the best way for responsibility. For example, I will talk about an experience of my own friend Tom. When I was in middle school, Tom got to have had a dog. It was his first time he got a pet, so he was so excited. He named it 'Chu', and cared much. However, as days went by, he was started to lose interests with Chu. One day, though Chu was going through a certain kind of disease Tom never cared Chu. Consequently, Chu died, yet Tom seemed never caring it. Tom said he would buy another dog. From this experience, I found that raising pets does not promote one's sense of responsibility but rather help decrease it.
To sum up, raising pets would make children form a sense of fast-consume less responsible and being among friends would be better than breeding pets. In this regard, I firmly believe that pets is not the most efficient way for children to raise their responsibility.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류들이 있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 철자적 오류들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 오류가 생기는 것은 본인이 에세이를 서술하시고 난 후에 proofreading을 안한다는 것을 보여줍니다. 따라서 에세이를 서술하시고 난 후에 꼭 proofreading을 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 에세이가 모호합니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 왜 애완동물을 키우는 것이 책임감으로 가지 않는지를 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |