▶ Your Answer : Educating children at early age is a big issue among parents who wish their children's future. Some people say that children should be taken a formal education early,spending a lot of time in school. However, other and I think that children should play with their friends at outdoor rather than in school for mental and health developments. There are some reasons as follow. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, hanging out with friends at outdoor are likely to improve children's mental health improves children's health (ing~주어는 단수 동사 입니다). Playing with others are tend to release stress and build strong bonds together releases stress and builds strong bonds. When those emotions are well cultivated, children could have healthy mind. For example, my little brother was depressed and silent, and did not show any interests toward surroundings because of a lot of assignments from school. even he was eight, he had to spend a lot of time in memorizing new knowledge to follow school curriculum. Those things make him hard to smile. He had become more impulsive and can not deal with his stress. Fortunately, he could turn to be normal become normal person by playing with (전치사가 들어가야합니다) his friends. He could find new value on his life by playing with friends. He could feel strong friendship and learn that how could manage stress through playing with others. If he could not play with others his mental development would be damaged. In addition, playing in childhood play plays a significant role in children's physical development. Children are growing every moment and playing which required physical movement such as running, jumping, and so on,help children to have strong body condition, stimulating their hormone. If children grow up with playing with other fully, they tend to have a strong body condition. According to the studies conducted at Tokyo university, playing in childhood is very important to entire life health condition. This is because during the childhood, muscle and bones could grow up rapidly according to the amount of their physical activities. Thus, if children could not play enough, they would have delay heath development.
All in all, although education children seems to be a good idea for their future, considering the fact that childhood is a period to develop health and mental tremendously, playing should be encouraged for their health growing.
점수: 25 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 가장 크게 오류가 보여지는 부분은 첫 번째 바디 단락 입니다. 첫 번째 바디 단락에서는 너무나 많은 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하게 합니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 제가 지적한 부분 이외에는 전체적으로 아주 논리정연하게 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |